Beastie Girl

2010-08-12T10:18:00.002+02:00

So basically, when asked about whether I should give veganism a go, you all collectively clutched your heads and screamed ' NO BEASTIE NO!' and one of you even called me pathetic. Yeah, thanks for that.

So, I guess that's a no on the veggie-muching, then? :)

And Surf Wahine - don't worry too much about my wine intake. I drink two glasses of wine about once every six months - I don't think that's what made me or is keeping me fat!

The only reason I asked is that while bimbling around the Internet I came across a site that said 'If you've been vegetarian, a long term dieter, or addicted to sugar in any way (Ha! I'm three for three), you need plenty of fat and meat to build your body back up. Once you have, you need plenty of veggies and plant matter to nourish yourself.'

I figured that seeing as I've been eating Paleo for nearly 2 years now, that I've probably built my body back up. Now it needs optimal nutrition, which means more plants than I've been eating. And in my 2-glass haze, I naturally took it to the veganism extreme, because Lord knows I don't do dieting by halves. Then I came across Disease Proof - Dr Fuhrman's blogs who advocates a mostly vegan diet and there are people on his site who've dropped massive gobs of weight. I want that too! And...that doesn't make me pathetic.

So anonymous: This is for you -

Anyhoo.

I guess this all stems from the fact that *ARGH!* I'm just frustrated. When I listen to my body and get plenty of protein and fat, I end up with bad intestinal cramps and diarrhoea. When I eat more plant-based, I'm famished all the time. IF doesn't do diddly. When I eat Primal, I can't handle the dairy, raw or not...working out three times a week at the gym hasn't helped...I haven't found what's right for me yet and I'm sick of spinning my wheels.

Those of you who have found a lifestyle that works - REJOICE! You're not pushed to the extreme where veganism is the only thing you haven't tried.

2010-08-12T10:11:00.001+02:00

Anonymous said...

I am officially removing your blog from my subscriptions. I've had enough. You're pathetic.

HA HA! I don't care!

Good riddance to bad rubbish, as far as I'm concerned. Don't let the door hit you on the backside on the way out!

2010-08-11T20:24:00.002+02:00

So - check it.

I warn you people, I've been drinking. Take nothing and everything of what I say totally seriously.

I'm considering going vegan for 4-8 weeks for weight loss.

Any of you had ANY experience with this?

When it comes right down to it, I'm desperate to get my chub off. I'll do anything. *sigh*

2010-08-08T22:18:00.002+02:00

Oh my GOD, eating that fatty meat was so freaking good!

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

But it was followed promptly by hours of nausea, cramping and diarrhoea!

GAH!

I'm never listening to my body AGAIN! I'm going to bed and sulking. *snerk*

2010-08-08T12:31:00.002+02:00

Have any of you ever really truly gone high fat before?

As in, making a very concerted effort to consume considerably more fat that protein or carbohydrate?

I ask because I would like to know your experiences, because I'm craving fat like a bastard right now. I just ate eggs with a huge knob of butter and my body is going:

"Yeah, that was good, but what I want you to do right now is to melt a shit-ton of butter, add a little salt then drink it. Yes, you heard me. Drink the butter. Eat it with your hands so it drips between your fingers, then rub it on your face and through your hair. REVEL IN THE FAT!"

Goodness me I'm tempted to do it too. I don't know if the neighbours would appreciate me jiggling around naked, covered in ghee, screaming about the wonders of butterfat from my balcony...Holland is, believe it or not, quite conservative. *laugh*

I've got some pork shoulder in my fridge right now and I'm so tempted to cook up more than I could possibly eat and drown that sumbitch in lard. If only I could find a place that sells lard! I would make a lard milkshake! Lard cake! The only thing that's keeping me together is the fact that for dinner I'm going to be making meatza, and the beef and cheese fat that drips off of that is gorgeous. Just five hours till a fatty dinner, Beastie. You can keep it together that long!

I've never craved fat like this before! If I lived in a country where stores were actually open on a Sunday, I'd have strapped on my Vibrams a good couple of hours ago looking for animals fats. I've never felt this driven to get something before - actually I lie. I've felt this driven for carbs, I never thought I'd feel this way about saturated fat. My body obviously needs it so if I still feel this way tomorrow, I'm going to have to look at a solution.

I'm hoping though that by eating fat by the fleet, I won't end up like this:

2010-08-07T22:08:00.002+02:00

So, this is my Saturday night - dinner at the mother-in-law's (chicken and salad), then home with a cup of tea on the couch and a German detective series on the telly. How rock and roll is that?

And you know, I'm rather pleased I can understand German! Huzzah!

So anyhoo - even though my MIL is on a low-carb kick, she still serves coffee with a biscuit - and it's killing my guts. My abdomen is in knots from one normal-sized bickie! I just cannot take wheat anymore, I just can't! My mother suffers terribly from IBS, but she will not give up bread, no matter what I say - wheat is so addictive that people will eat it despite its consequences. Even me now, with my guts in turmoil. Urgh.

Get moving

2010-07-31T10:04:00.002+02:00

I'm a little upset today.

Yesterday I weighed in at 101, then worked out and had a big, hearty dinner of meatza, made with triple veggies and half the cheese. This morning I weighed in a whole half a kilo heavier.

I'm so angsty about this weightloss thing - I'm so desperate to lose the weight but nothing I try works. I work out 1 - 3 times a week, I've tried high carb vegetarian, low carb neolithic, low carb paleolithic, high carb paleolithic, increasing vegetable intake, all meat intake, you name it, I've done it. But it just won't come off!! And then, just one moderate neolithic meal and BAM! I'm a kilo heavier. After one weekend in the UK eating normal British foods, I gained 3 kilo and nearly 5 weeks later I've only managed to lose 1 kilo of that weight. *insert swearing here*

GAH!

Breathe, Beastie, breathe.

I'm flying back home to New Zealand in late November and I'm so motivated to lose weight so I don't feel stuffed in an airplane seat, immobile, stuck up against the person next to me, stealing an inch of their precious space and not being able to move. In fact I'm so motivated I've even started fasting like a mad thing - but nothing's shifting.

I guess really when it comes down to it, I'm not fasting hardcore enough. I manage about 18 hours, but I really think it's going to take fasts of 48 hours or more - I'm even thinking of maybe even a week.

Do any of you have experience with longer term fasts?

I also think I'm going to have to start walking without fail every day, just for an hour or so. I've actually got like a million podcasts I want to listen to, so it's a good excuse to strap on the Vibrams and get moving!

BOOM babeh!

2010-07-29T22:24:00.004+02:00

So, it's been a little while hasn't it?

Honestly, I had nothing to say so I took a little break. I've gotten over the ennui plaguing me and I'm back on track!

To ease back into it, I'll share with you now two strange things that happened to me today.

While watching a documentary on a family torn apart by addition, a man looked out from his balcony over the splendourous nature that is British Columbia and gasped in wonder as a herd of deer leaped through a far away field.

My instant, gut response to those deer on screen?

Chase!
Hunt!
Kill!

WOAH!

I live in a third floor apartment in a busy little city near one of the world's busiest airports in one of the most densely populated countries in the world. I'm first world, baby and have never once felt the need to hunt a thing.

Until today.

I guess I'm shaking off this human zoo.

This guy better watch his ass if he ever run through Holland's all I'm sayin'.

Second thing: A table of Japanese eating from large platters of sashemi - and I felt an intense rush of jealousy slash desire.

Damn, I wanted that raw fish with a little ginger dipping sauce.

Actually now that I think about it, I was craving an apple this morning. If you would have told 14 year old me that 32 year old me would want apples, I would have laughed my Metallica-lovin', goth-with-a-little-g arse off.

Now I love apples as much as I like Metallica!

equals

2010-05-24T11:06:00.002+02:00

So, I decided to stop being a self-pitying, negative weenie. Feeling sorry for yourself never got anyone anywhere, so *raspberry noise* to that.

I've decided to start fasting again because, when it comes down to it, the only way to access all this excess fuel I have on my body is to stop eating so often and start using it.

I'm also starting to notice that I'm getting very bored with the Paleo community online. It's very samey now that the more vocal components are losing their belly-fire. I've also noticed that because they're mostly thin American men, they cover topics that interest thin American men. I'm a fat woman from New Zealand, living in Europe. Plus the blogs I do connect with only update once every 10-14 days or so, uh... like me!

I guess after 1.5 years I think I've learned what I need to from the greats, and I'm moving out from under their tutelage to become my own guru.

Oh, and I've joined a gym!

A new, very basic, very cheap gym opened up about 3 buildings down from my apartment and I joined up last week. I had my first work out two days ago on Saturday.

Now, something I now think is funny, but would have *crushed* me just a short time ago, is that the testosterone-fueled, shaved head, military bearing, alpha male manager does NOT like me one bit.

It started when he first saw my Vibrams and told me that 'those sorts of shoes' are not appropriate for running because they don't offer support, don't have a sloped heel, and don't allow me to run in the "proper" heel-strike manner. I just sort of looked at him blankly and said 'There are people who run marathons in these' and he said 'and they damage their feet, knees and hips' to which I said 'but Africans run miles on natural feet all their lives injury-free. That's what our feet are evolved to do' and we just kind of stared blankly at each other. Then he pulled a subtle 'You're an idiot' face and continued to explain how the treadmill works.

Later on he asked Erik and me what our goals are and I said 'To lose weight and gain muscle by not doing cardio, only working my largest muscle groups in an explosive manner in a short amount of time' and this time he didn't really even try to hide his 'You're an idiot' face.

Conventional Wisdom Gym Manager and I will not ever see eye to eye. He thinks I should be there for 1.5 hours, 4 times a week with a minimum of 30 minutes of cardio, with a slow trek around all the muscle isolation machines thereafter, resting for two minutes between 5 sets of 10. I want to go for 30 minutes, twice a week, run as hard as I can for 5 minutes on the treadmill then bust through 1 set of 10 on the machines that work the most muscles at the same time and get out, and go home.

He, as a fitness expert, has probably seen the same people come to the gym day in, day out, never changing their bodies. I hope that as time progresses he will see me trim down and gain strength while only going 2, maybe 3 times a week. Perhaps then I won't get the 'you're an idiot' face any more.

2010-05-14T22:30:00.002+02:00

This afternoon I was working on a translation that I thought would take me all weekend, but I got it finished this afternoon.

Oh, the JOY!

My filthy mood just evaporated off my shoulders and I felt, and still feel, a million miles better. I've slept off a bit of the exhausted feeling and I think I'm off the caffeine. Strangely enough I never had the searing headaches I normally get if I don't drink coffee. I guess my body was just ready to slip off that particular addiction.

Anyhoo, I've been thinking about what being fat means to me, and why, if for any reason, I want to lose weight.

If you're a fatty like me, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror or a photo and thought 'My God, why are people NICE to me?' because you're obviously flawed? Or is that just me?

Most of the time I don't worry about it much, but every now and again I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or other reflective surface and feel pure disgust at my lumpy shape and I wonder why people aren't curling their upper lip in a sneer when they have to deal with me. I often wonder, in fact sense deeply in my very being, that people would treat me better and make friends more easily with me if I had a more streamline shape.

Right now I'm over 30 and fat. This means I am every kind of invisible. People assume I'm lower-class with no money (and this rips my nighty eighty ways from Sunday. I don't want to be seen as working class. Yes. I am a snob) and so don't try to sell me things. Men my age that are single wouldn't dream of flirting with me. I seriously have not had someone flirt with me in five years. People either stare at me on the street or do their best to not look at me, their gaze sliding off me in case catching teh fatz is communicable. Everywhere I turn I get the message that I am not worthy. My partner has even (finally) admitted that my weight is a limiting factor in our relationship. I'm so invisible, my partner doesn't see me, so to speak.

Wow.

I think my desire to lose weight has always been about being NOTICED. I've always wanted to lose weight to be able to wear beautiful, colourful, form-fitting clothes. Because people in beautiful clothes are noticed. I love being the centre of attention. If there's some kind of performance to do, I'm the first to volunteer. I want to be seen. I want to be in people's faces - look at me, look at ME LOOK AT ME!!

I'm a show off from way back. I rock what I have right now, but it's not right. I'm working with sub-standard goods. Sub-standard body and sub-standard clothes, sub-standard attitude.

I also want options.

A fat chick has few when it comes to jobs, when it comes to relationships, when it comes to just about everything that relies on another person's decision. The harsh truth is that as I get older, that's only going to worsen by a factor of a million for every year. If you're a thin woman, you're probably invisible by age...50? 55? As a fat chick, I'm invisible now at 32. I stopped being relevant at about age 25. This sucks for me in the sense that, say me and my partner never work out our issues - I can't be ugly on the single's market. I'm a freelancer who works from home, but imagine I have to rely on an employer in the future. Who'd hire someone invisible?

I don't fit in with my family either. The other fattest person aside from me carries perhaps an extra...8 kilo on them? That's nothing. The rest? Are slim. Christmas photos suck, I'm the widest thing in the room, including the fucking tree.

There are so many negative aspects to being overweight but I've listed the ones that really matter to me. Being fat perhaps had a pay off once, but I can't tell you what it is now. Even though I don't want to be fat and I've changed up my diet, the fat still won't shift. I think it's going to take some serious fasting to shift what I have on my body.

No matter which way I look at it, this journey is going to be a fight from start to finish. I think though, as I lose, people will start to support me as I become visible and 'acceptable'.

What's your take?

2010-05-14T09:42:00.002+02:00

Sorry about the grump yesterday!

Very soon after posting the last entry I realised that I had had no caffeinated coffee, only decaf. My body, which normally runs at a certain level of caffeination, was crashing after not getting its fix! I slept for two hours on the couch after getting home for a walk, under a duvet with a hot water bottle (which the cat thought was great. I woke up to him sleeping on my belly, on his back, pressed up against the source of warmth...so kyoot!) and then went to bed at 10pm, slept right through to 8am.

I'm still tired and grumpy and I have a butt-load of work to do, but I do feel less like I want to tear the world's throat out.

I'm fasting too. I'm going to try and keep it going through till dinner time. I will then eat over the weekend and try and fast the entire day of Monday, to eat breakfast on Tuesday. Let's see how this goes.

2010-05-13T20:45:00.002+02:00

Urgh, I'm so over myself right now.

I'm sick of low carb, I'm sick of high carb, I'm sick of paleo, I'm sick of neolithic, I'm sick of food in general.

I'm sick of me, I'm sick of my body, I'm sick of being fat. I do not feel good in my skin right now. I'm tired and just....

Weeeeeeeeeeh!

I think it's time for me to start fasting again. I'm so sick of thinking about food so the only way to get away from food is to not eat it. I also think it might be time to start taking some vitamins, making sure I walk once a day and getting to bed a lot earlier than I have. I'm really at a place where I am not happy with my physicality anymore and it's going to take drastic action to sort it out. I don't know if I'm ready for that. But then that makes me sound like a weenie, and I'm not a weenie!

GAH!

You know, I probably just need a good amount of sleep and I'll feel much better, but for now...I'll just have to revel in this foul mood.

You put the lime in the coconut.

2010-05-10T13:43:00.002+02:00

Just gimme a day to hide!

ARGH!

Look, I'm not a social person. Well, OK. I am. But I'm not an extrovert who gets energy from being around people, I'm an introvert and I get my energy from being alone. People, as much as I love them, drain me. And I've just spent a very social weekend.

A girlfriend of mine from my uni days came over Friday night and we gossiped at the Olympic level. The next day we went off to de Keukenhof. Afterwards we went for lunch in Leiden and I had a smoked chicken salad with balsamico dressing and a big bowl of Thai coconut soup. It was delicious! Creamy, a little sour, a little sweet - I had these two big bowls of colourful, delicious, nutritious food for 7 Euros. My friend had a sad little bowl of a rice dish for the same money. I scoffed my food double time and felt full, light and energetic afterwards. My girlfriend went directly after to the supermarket for food!!

(I WIN!)

Sunday we had to go to Erik's grandfather's house and afterwards to his step-brother's child's second birthday party and sit in a room full of 2 year olds hopped up on wheat and sugar, playing with brand new noisy toys. Oh. My. God.

Now, keep in mind we drove for two hours to get there - we couldn't just leave at 6pm, get home at 8, cook the chicken I had for an hour and eat at 9. I would have died. So I was forced, kinda, to eat the dinner on offer. Tomato soup, full of MSG and white bread rolls with margarine and cheese. Ice cream and cake for dessert.

Ugh.

Seriously, does no one like Paleo foods? Party foods are by definition neolithic.

And people are giving this shit to their kids!

Anyhoo, I felt like arse when I got home and despite all the work I had to do, I got my backside to bed.

I had to get up early too...
...to be hacked at by a dentist.

Those four years of vegetarianism and 30 years of general grain-eating and shit habits have come back to bite me. I have cavities. One deep, two shallow.

Gods dammit.

I made it to 32 years of age with not a single hole, and I have one now? Girlfriend's going to have to watch even more what's going into her piehole...especially now that I have one tooth in it that's full of filling.

My piehole hurts. :(

Anyhoo, I did a little snooping around online and it really looks like a need to up my healthy fat intake and get some vitamins. I think coconuts are about on par with this, so as an experiment I mixed up half a teaspoon of honey with rasped coconut, powdered almonds and molten coconut oil and left it in the fridge to set. I just had a piece now with a cup of black decaf...?

HEAVEN!

Low in carbs, high in fat, tooth friendly!

Hunger!

2010-05-07T17:06:00.002+02:00

So, today's the second day I've kicked sugar and wheat to the curb and I'm feeling WAY better and far more stable. I'm also FAMISHED! Today I ate three eggs with two tablespoons of butter, 250g of prawns with chili and a whole chicken thigh and leg and I'm STILL famished! If I wasn't waiting for a girlfriend to come over, I'd be in the kitchen now, cooking up burgers!

This friend of mine is a Kiwi girl, we met each other at University. She and I ended up in Holland at the same time - she was just passing through on a working holiday. She's coming over tonight for one last time before she leaves Holland. I'm making bunless burgers with homemade mayo, and they'll have a little cheese, fried onions and mushrooms, tomatoes and lettuce. For dessert - full fat Greek yoghurt.

To tell you the truth, I'm so ravenous I care more about the dinner than a good girlfriend of mine! My body is seriously crying out for some nutrients!

2010-05-06T11:05:00.003+02:00

Urgh, I'm still on an unhealthy kick at the moment.

I was doing so well, but I broke my stride to try out a more Paleo approach and I've been in a tailspin ever since! I've eaten wheat and sugar several times and I've felt like utter arse for ages now. I've had no energy, I'm out of ketosis, I've gained nearly three kilo and ARGH! I'm starting to get really sick of myself and my lack of discipline. Today I'm going to get back to it and stop dicking around. My coffee this morning was black, with no sugar (surprisingly good!) I had eggs and butter for breakfast, I've pulled out some prawns for lunch and tonight's dinner will be homemade burger patties. Om freakin' nom! :)

So - I've been failing hard these past couple of days, but to remind myself that I'm not a loser, that I am in fact, pretty awesome - here is that picture of me in my 'OMG it now fits' Holland forever t-shirt. Revel in my splendour!! -->

Ha, yeah. Ok. I is still a fatty-boom-batty in London street parlance, but that t-shirt last year was SKIN tight. My fat rolls were encased sausage-like and now, although you can still clearly SEE my rolls, they're not imprisoned in cloth. The t-shirt just sits on top of them. Last year I could NOT inflict the horror of that t-shirt on the world. Now I just look like a normal fatty in it. I'm well pleased, innit? :)

(Heh, sorry - I'm considering heading over to London next week, so I'm sort of ramping up my dialect use because 1. I can and 2. it amuses me.)

Koninginnedag Suprise!

2010-04-30T13:18:00.004+02:00

Oh my God, you guys!

I just took a shower and got dressed. Because its Queens Day today, I decided to wear one of my two orange 'Holland' shirts. One of them is shapless and baggy. The other one, although an XL, was skin tight to the point of indecency. I just could not bring myself to wear the ugly baggy one, so I pulled out the 'second skin' one - just to try...

...and it FITS!

HA hAAAHhAAAAAaa!

Awesome!

Oh sure, it's still a little form fitting, but there's a little play in it now, the fabric just sits gently on top of my fat rolls, rather than encasing them all sausage-like as it did last year.

I was so disappointed that it didn't fit when I bought it last year because it's a lovely shirt. I've also been so disappointed with myself for not losing weight. Looks like I HAVE LOST WEIGHT and the shirt looks fine!

YES!

GROK. THE. FUCK. ON!!!!!!

(Picture to follow!)

2010-04-29T22:13:00.002+02:00

Well, all in all that little five day foray into fruits and veggies added an extra 2.5 kilos on me and I'm back up to just under 100 kilos.

Frickin' great!

I've gone back to meat, using vegetables as nothing but flavouring (you know, like garlic, herbs, tomato paste)and I'm starting to get my energy back. When I'm in ketosis I have energy for Africa and my mood is constantly positive. Nothing is too much trouble. Today though I had so much cleaning to do but could just not motivate myself to do it. I ended up taking a half day off work and getting my nails done. Sod it. I also went clothes shopping and noticed that, although my body is still fat, it's a lot less lumpy that it used to be. I'm not losing weight, per se, but all that unevenness is gone and, sure I'm still round, material looks better draped over me because I'm not all lumpy. It's a bit of a weird way to improve, but ladies - you know I'm taking it!

You know, dear readers, you are a bunch of tolerant people!

I expected to be told off a little for having such a hard time on veggies and was also expecting admonishments along the lines of...'but you NEEEEEED your veggies! NEEEEEEED! *screech*

But there was none of that!

I think every single person who reads me has their own personal approach that works for them! That's the wonder of the people who lead the non-Conventional Wisdom life. We work out what works for us and don't judge anyone else for their choices. We are free to Grok the way we wanna Grok. Hmm..there might be a rock song in there somewhere... :)

OMG youse guys I'm so excited!! Tomorrow is Koninginnedag!! I'm going to get up late, don my orange 'Forever Holland' t-shirt, shop the flea markets and enjoy the atmosphere. I think it will be a little more sombre than usual, given last year's disaster (a man smashed through barriers and rows of people with his car to get to the Royal Family, killing eight).

I've fasted this evening so I don't feel too guilty about having an orange-coloured treat tomorrow! :)

All your cows, are belong to me.

2010-04-27T19:37:00.003+02:00

Oh.

My.

God.

What a busy past couple of days! I'm frazzled!

It all started a few days ago when I had 14,000 words to translate and 13,000 words to revise dumped in my lap and it all needed to be done in 5 days. Ah HAAAAAH, unrealistic expectations, much? I couldn't work over the weekend either, because I had birthday parties and ANZAC Day ceremonies to attend and mother-in-laws to visit.

I ended up tapping away at my laptop at her house both before and after dinner, being totally anti-social. I had to be up at 5:30 that morning for the ANZAC Dawn Ceremony in The Hague, then drive all the way to Germany and back, a round trip of around 500 kilometers. That early start and the changes I made in nutrition had me wiped out by 4 pm. But I have plugged away quite literally day and night, working 18 hour days and just got it all finished this afternoon. *phew!* I totally need to learn how to say 'No'.

The ANZAC Day ceremony in The Hague was totally worth the effort though, I love going each year. It's a beautiful, dignified ceremony with a 50/50 mix of military and civilians and old Dutch soldiers who dress in 1914 uniforms. There isn't a single element that does not sing with respect, love, co-operation and brotherhood. It's a positive experience, year in year out. I have nothing but deep admiration for the Dutch benefactors that arrange the ceremony each year. Plus there's a slap-up breakfast afterwards at the New Zealand Embassy in Wassenaar! :)

Anyhoo, as I said - I totally switched out my diet these past five days. I went shopping and picked up lean meats and plenty of fresh and frozen veggies. My first paleo meal of salmon, roast red peppers and brocolli left me starving afterwards, but I didn't mind. It was the first time in ages that I'd been hungry, so it wasn't hard to hold out. My second paleo meal of pork stew with salad, shallots and chili left me starving! It was getting a little harder to hold out and not eat. My third paleo meal of eggs, tomatoes, salad greens and a little olive oil left me starving and I couldn't stop eating! The more I ate, the hungrier I got.

Then the sugar cravings started and I caught myself standing in line at the supermarket, buying biscuits for the first time in...two years? I got them home and had scoffed four before I came to, smashed the bloody things and threw them in the bin! I was just so hungry...

I also experienced the worst, most debilitation menstrual cramps I've had in a good year. I've woken up three mornings in a row with a splitting headache. I tried one more paleo meal today of mussels, courgette, garlic and a touch of butter and I started feeling physically sick, my trick knee started hurting and, ahem, I started, well, farting for Africa and had cramping and diarrhoea. I've gained nearly a kilo too! *GAH!* I'm looking right now at my kitchen and the bowl there is full of alfalfa, apples, a lettuce, some tomatoes and an avocado and I'm looking at them with a lump in my throat. The thought of eating those things is making me want to cry!

Tonight, I had reached my limit as I sat on the couch, nursing my aching knee. As an experiment, I cooked up a big hunk of fatty pork for dinner and ate just that with a little melted butter.

Oh joy of JOYS - I feel full and happier than I have in five days. As soon as the first little morsel of animal fat hit my tongue I felt a burst of well-being and utter, deep and all-encompassing relief. I finished that meat with absolute gusto and enjoyment.

Ach, I gave the Paleo Diet another go. I DO think my body was asking for a portion of vegetables to supplement my zero carb approach, and I definitely think veggies are yummy, healthy things to eat ... but I was eating them to see if they would help me lose weight, not because my body was crying out for them. Reading Girl Gone Primal's tweets, she has the same problems I've had when she includes veggies in her diet, so I think while the strict Paleo approach is awesome - it's not for some people, including me. A mostly meat and fat diet makes me feel wonderful, even though I lose weight VERY slowly on it. As long as I lose weight eventually I'm going to follow a diet that tastes good and makes me feel good. Right now, thats meat, meat, meat and meat.

Rest assured Paleo adherants that AS SOON as the zero carb/high meat approach no longer works for me, I'm going full Paleo again. I'm not against the Paleo Diet in any way, shape or form and I am NOT dogmatic or blinkered when it comes to zero carb. I am open to all options that exclude grains and embrace flesh, and seafood - right now my body just runs better on a fatty, meaty diet. As I said, the second that stops working, I'm switching back.

Until then thoug, fire up the barbie, I'm gonna char me a cow!

Today is the first day of....eurgh,....something.

2010-04-23T09:46:00.002+02:00

Yesterday, under the realisation that something has to change, I went to the local healthfood store and did a little shopping.

I also did a little clean out. I threw away my cornstarch and replaced it with arrowroot. I threw out my industrially made salt and replaced it with Himalaya Salt. I picked up some coconut products, and a mineral-rich syrup made from pears and an 85% dark chocolate.

I made my dinner of some pork chops and curried veggies, and for dessert ate half a small melon with just a tiny drizzle of honey - just enough to make some almond slivers stick. It was lovely. I haven't had any kind of fruit for SO LONG! Seriously the house was silent as we ate. It was a case of head down and EAT! Erik the Red is always whinging about how we don't have dessert anymore. Ach fine, I just don't see how having fruit after dinner once or twice a week is going to hurt.

This morning after I had my coffee I hicupped as an allergic reaction to dairy and - totally on the spur of the moment, before I could reason with myself and stop - I fished my coffee cream out of the fridge and tipped it down the sink. Black coffee from now on, methinks!

Also, about two months ago I was caffeine-free. I don't feel BAD on caffeine, but I felt BETTER without it, so I think it's time to cut back on that again, too.

One last thing, I also pulled down my supply of fish oil, ready to use once more.

In my quest for health I let a lot of my health fall by the wayside. Time to get it back, friends and lovers!

2010-04-22T15:37:00.002+02:00

Dr Dan left me a comment in my previous post, and I'm glad he did because he made me realise that, yes - I did try to do zero carb as much as possible for a while and it was working for me and I was feeling good - but now, dammit, my body is aching for fruits and veggies and it took someone telling me to realise it!

A big KIWI KISS to you! :)

I think it's time to shake up my intake again. Time to go shopping! YAY! :)

2010-04-22T12:59:00.002+02:00

Right now I'm trying to lose a serious amount of weight and I'm working as close to Zero Carb as I can. This largely has to do with the fact that if I eat anymore than about 10-20g of carbs per day I stop losing, and if I eat 20-50g, I start gaining. Seriously people - two pieces of fruit a day and that's me fucked and fat. My body is THAT damaged, it's THAT insulin resistant.

Keeping carbs low is not really a challenge. I miss sugar in my coffee, but I adore eating lots of meat and fat. It makes me feel good, so there's nothing wrong there.

The thing that I'm really struggling with is eating less food, less often. Realistically I know that I have to eat a little less if I want to lose, and I also realise that because fat and meat are so nutritious I don't need to eat as much of them to meet my needs. But I'm really struggling with the hours stretching ahead of me with no snacking in sight. I really love snacking, but I'm dependent on snacking! I'm addicted! It's taking every ounce of discipline I have to not raid the fridge.

I hear you though, you're thinking "Beastie, if you're hungry, just eat!" but that's the thing. I'm not truly hungry. I'm hungy for a mouthfeel. I'm hungry for something to fill my time. I'm hungry for something else to do with my hands besides type. None of those things are hunger. They're all HABIT.

I'm better than that. I am a strong woman who has the power to change whatever it is that isn't working in her life. Right now, being fat is not working for me. In eight months time I have to sit on a plane for 24 hours, and travel for 36, just to get home to New Zealand for Christmas. Sitting in an aircraft at 100 kilos is pure hell. Especially when your partner next to you is a six-four Viking, built like a brick outhouse.

No one wants to sit next to that person.

In fact, I've gotten so fat that I look at pictures of myself sometimes and see such a broken body that I think "Why are people NICE to me?".

You know what else isn't working? Plus-sized clothes. I've lost some weight, but I still have to shop in stores that sell unflattering tents. There's a world of clothes out there that I want to wear. Sometimes I want to be the sophisticated business woman. Sometimes I want to be the grown-up goth. Sometimes I want to be the sporty one - I want to play with my look.

In fact, I would go so far to say that being fat is not working for me on any level of my life right now. It used to, but that shizz is done. Played out.

I'm ready to grow a backbone and get done that which needs to be done.

It starts today.

Energy to burn and my arse gets a mention.

2010-02-08T01:51:00.003+01:00

So, I seem to be caught with a bout of insomnia, so I may as well update youse fullas about what's been going on.

Because I had been feeling so mentally fragile of late, I decided to give myself a damn break on the weight loss thing and just chill and decided to fast for two days with a small dinner at night. I made that decision to give both my guts and my mind a rest and a funny thing happened! About halfway through my first fast I could almost pinpoint to the minute when my body flipped the switch to pure fatburning, because I literally went from one minute feeling a bit sorry for myself, a bit tired and a little wobbly emotionally to humming, dancing in my chair, singing along to loud music and getting down on my hands and knees to vacuum the bottoms of my dining room chairs the next. It was literally that fast! Today was also supposed to be my lazy Sunday, but once again I longed to be outside, striding forth in my Five Fingers, so I went outside expecting a 20 minute walk, just to stretch my legs...

...and arrived home 1.5 hours and about 8 kilometres later, walked out and happy. It's almost impossible to be sad and limp when you're eating clean and burning fat!

During the second day of fasting I had so much energy that I got this thing the Dutch call 'an itch in the bum' - an unbearable desire to move. I couldn't really move because I was working (I work from home) and I had an appointment to see the optometrist later in the day anyway so I thought I'd wait till then. When I finally got outdoors and into town, I discovered much to my scream-like-a-girl delight that one of the big department stores here called Hema sells vitamin D drops! AND it's only €3.25 a bottle because it's supposed to be for kids! YES! Since that day I've taken 10,000 IUs a day and...

...my psoriasis-related itching...

HAS GONE!!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *insert minutes of manic laughter here*

Normally when I slip into my cold bed it triggers a frenzy of prickly itching all down my back, sides and head. Not any moooooooore! Normally when I get cold limbs from walking outside in negative temperatures and I enter a heated building a hot burning itch will plague my legs and backside. Try scratching discretely in public when it feels like your arse cheeks are on fire! BUT THEY'RE NOT ITCHY ANY MORE!!!

Seriously, vitamin D3 is a miracle substance. Go get yourself some now and start taking massive quantities.

GO!

I'm too old for this shit.

2010-02-03T15:15:00.003+01:00

Do you guys suffer from magical thinking?

I sure do, and it goes a little something like this.

I've been moping all day about how fat I am and how slowly I'm losing weight. It's constantly on my mind at the moment and it's really not pleasant. Anyhoo, during the course of my morning I gave myself a very nasty fright by thinking I had forgotten something VERY important to my business. I was overcome with shock and stood paralysed for a good 6 seconds, forgetting to breathe. Even after I realised 'no, it's cool. You sorted it out yesterday before bed' I still felt like the bottom of my world had just fallen out. For a good twenty minutes afterwards I suffered the fall out - I was shaking, felt like crying, I was gasping for air, and...not to put a too fine a point on it...my bowels wrung themselves in knots. It really hurt and I thought to myself 'these cramps must be from something I ate. I really must avoid whatever it is'.

Great, and totally logical too. Only problem is I've been eating clean the past three days and today I'm fasting. No intake whatsoever, yet here I am thinking that my bowel cramps from a natural reaction to fear are caused by my nutrition. Every little thought I have relates back to my diet and what I have and what I haven't put in my mouth. Jeez, I'm RIGHT BACK at square one in that diet mentality!

That's where the magical thinking comes in. I treat food like it's magical. I treat it like it has the power to cure whatever ails me. Yes, food most definitely affects your wellbeing over the long term, but when it comes to what's happening right this minute, food has nothing to do with anything. Food wouldn't have calmed my churning insides this morning, it only would have made things worse. Food doesn't fix whatever it is that I have going on right now. Foods do not have the power to make me drop a kilo overnight, no matter what foods I pick. One meal does not have the power to make me thinner tomorrow, no matter how perfect the macronutrient ratios are. Food does not have the power to strip the fat off of me in a short amount of time, but I treat it like it does!

It's madness and crazy-making.

They say 'What you resist, persists' and I've had a gutsful when it comes to trying to get rid of my persistent fat. So...I guess...I have to stop resisting! It's the only logical way forward, right?

This doesn't mean I will give up on the Paleo diet and go back to my grainy veggie ways. Oh no. All it means is that I'm going to lay off on the calorie counting and give in to my desire to snack a little sometimes. If I want to skip a meal I will. If I want a man-sized plate of bacon, I'm eating it. If I want veggies I'll have as much as I want. I'm also going to start fighting my propensity towards getting ever more and more obsessed with the numbers. These numbers include carb grams, grams lost overnight, kilos lost this week, weighing food, counting calories, inches around my waist and so on.

I'm so tired of it and I don't have room in my head for it anymore. Between running my household and running my business, I don't have the energy to persevere. So:

I'm free.

Relief!

2010-02-02T17:26:00.003+01:00

WOO HOO!

My forever dieting mother-in-law has FINALLY come around to Low Carb living!

**SCREAM LIKE A GIRL!**

We showed up to her house on Saturday night and we were served cod with a lemon sauce and leeks and tomatoes, with fruit and full fat greek yoghurt for dessert. The woman finally hit her rock bottom on the high carb, low fat regime and talked all evening with disbelieve and pleasure about how she, after trying to eat as lightly as possible for nearly as many years that she's been alive, is now not only allowed to eat full fat mayo, butter, cheese and yoghurt but she is practically encouraged to do so! She looked so incensed by the fact that every other diet she was on told her to eat MORE wholegrain bread.

I feel deep, real, palpable and all-encompassing relief FOR her, so I can only imagine how she feels! I thought when I first saw her that she looked younger, now I know why! Three solid weeks of full fat products and carb restriction.

I can't express either how oarsome it is to go there now and have a good, filling, satisying meal instead of having to hit the road still starving! Do you have any idea how bad the temptation is to stop at petrol stations and restaurants along the side of the motorway for anything fatty? ANYTHING? OH GOD PLEASE I'M DYIIIIING!!

Anyhoo - what are youse guy's favourite recipes? Mine are getting rather same-y, same-y, especially as I only have three meats to work with! I can find most veggies and spices though, so spill!

It's a bad relationship, It'll be a bad breakup too.

2010-01-26T20:24:00.002+01:00

Ugh.

I don't know I keep thinking, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that I can eat milk products.

Bleurgh.

Damn you gorgeous, creamy, cold, smoooooth 10% fat greek yoghurt with a touch of sweet, sweet honey. I have to break up with you now. I love you but you're just not good for me.

Despite today's bloated, bleurgh feeling, I have actually been feeling very good the past couple of days. I'm back to burning fat which gives me so much more energy! I actually cleaned my kitchen! I walked around Utrecht for hours searching for British tea! I've bundled up against the - 8 degree weather and walked in town. I've also discovered that eating VLC when you are truly hungry gets you high!

Two days ago I came home ravenous and thirsty like woah. I scarfed down two big handfuls of macadamia nuts and a full pint of sparkling mineral water and felt an instant high. I had to go and sit down for a good ten minutes to bliss out before cooking dinner. It was awesome. Nothing compares to eating when you're hungry.

I cannot wait for this sluggish feeling to go away and for my full-of-bean-ness to come back, especially as I have a meeting with a HUGE national translation company who have taken me on as a freelancer. I have to travel all the freaking way to 's-Hertogenbosch which is going to take two hours *sigh*. I might fast through the day to get my zip back! I'm also going to wear my Five Fingers - I wonder if anyone's ever worn them to a job interview before?

:D

2010-01-22T20:35:00.002+01:00

While watching Ready Steady Cook this evening, a contestant told the host that she's a war baby and grew up on rations. They were allowed two ounces of butter a week.

Two ounces.

TWO OUNCES!

That is a mere 60 grams a week. Me and my partner in comparison, for just the two of us, get through 750 grams a week.

Wow! Be grateful for living in peacful times!

Fat=good

2010-01-22T09:54:00.003+01:00

Bless, oh bless the reward pathways of the brain!

I've just finished a breakfast of 125 grams of beef, served with three rashers of bacon and a big cup of tea and my neurons are firing away with pleasure. The watery winter sun is streaming in through my windows and right now the world is a pleasant place to be.

Isn't the human body amazing? It's rewarding me for carrying out a life-enhancing activity. I obviously just hunted something down and nourished myself with proteins and fats and my brain went 'Good girl, here's some endorphins so you do it again.' My body wants me to be active, carnivorous and happy. Isn't that incredible? I believe that humans are pleasure-seeking animals because left in a natural environment, the behaviours that enable us to survive are rewarded. We seek pleasure because, in the right circumstances, it keeps us alive.

Fat and a little bit of walking, I have discovered, make me happy. Because I've been eating all meat and fat with a small handful of veggies each day my carb counts are kind of low and I've been suffering from some tiredness and lethargy. Yesterday I felt like complete ARSE, so I got up off of mine, strapped on the Five Fingers and went walking into town to do a little window shopping. I kept up a good pace, walked and perused for a good 1.5 hours then came back a changed woman. Energy comes from energy I've discovered - the less you do, the less you want to do. The only cure for lethargy is getting up off your chuff and running around for a bit. Preferably in Vibrams. Because have I mentioned recently about how in love with these things I am? Because I am. Hopelessly, head-over-heels in love.

One thing I thought I would share with you that I thought you might find interesting...

I've made quite good friends with another freelance translator, one who is much older than me and has more experience. She wanted to set me up with a new translation software dealio, and so came to Amersfoort to my home. I generously cooked her some lunch of fatty pork shoulder with chestnuts cooked in cream and bacon bits. I watched in fascinated horror as she fastidiously cut away every scrap of fat off her meat. I've had so little contact with people these past 5 years (I'm a real herbert, I mean HERMIT!)and I'm so entrenched in the fat=good camp now, that I had forgotten there are still people that do crazy things like trim fat from their steak.

Of all the crazy craziness!

I told her "You're crazy! Gimme!" and ate both her fat and mine.

Her loss! :)

Folie, gekheid, madness.

2010-01-18T15:44:00.002+01:00

Good afternoon, Paleo people and wild childs alike!

Seeing as most of you who read this are in New Zealand (summer) you won't really get my pain as a resident of the Netherlands (where it's winter)right now. The days are SO DARK it's downright depressing. I'm doing the best I can with standing lamps and fairy lights as well as with sprinkling scented oils around the place but it comes down to the fact that it's just plain dingy out there and my mood kind of matches. The cold is probably another reason I've been anxious about having enough fat in the house!

Today is the first day that it's been above 0 degrees, so I could go out and walk - but it's also the first day this year that I've had any damn work come in, so I'm kind of stuck inside. At least it smells lovely - like lavender - in here!

I've sort of been loosening up on the whole low carb Paleo thing recently and I've been eating potatoes, chestnuts, desserts, a little alcohol, heaps of macadamia nuts, pomegranates (I regret nothing on that score, it was delicious) and just generally not being as strict as usual. This, coupled with the fact that I'm not losing that much weight and the way I've been obsessing about fat, leads me to think that perhaps it might be a good idea to eat just meat for a little while. I think it might sort out the weightloss issue as well as assuage that little voice that demands more and more and more fat. My fat cravings are getting so bad that I'm making hot chocolate with PURE CREAM, not milk or water, but PURE CREAM! I've had one just about an hour ago but I could do with another, or at least a big bowl of homemade bolognese sauce made with the fattiest mince I can find.

This is madness!

THIS IS SPARTA!

I have a pomegranate and some tea. Aw yeah.

2010-01-16T13:45:00.003+01:00

Hey girl, haaay!

It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry about that. I've actually started up my own business doing translations from Dutch into English, so I've rather been concentrating on that endeavour.

I'm still totally in love with paleolithic eating though. I weighed in just below the 100 kilo mark this morning and I attacked a plate of fatty pork and bacon this morning with enjoyment and relish.

These days I'm craving fat like you would not believe. I kind of get all anxious if I think about not having enough animal fats in the house. Where I once used to stockpile snacks, I now stockpile meat. I guess I haven't truely changed my behaviour, I've just changed the object of my obsessions! It's my brain. IT MAKES ME DO THINGS!

:)

Ok girls, (and guys too, why not?) tell me the gossip I've missed out on these past few weeks...

Lord, I was born a ramblin' man.

2009-11-28T02:26:00.003+01:00

This entry might be a bit rambly - it's 2:30 am and I've been awake since 5am yesterday morning, so I'm coming up to 24 hours of conciousness.

Nurrrrrgh.

I'm not sure what's up with me at the moment, actually - my body has been following some really weird patterns. The past couple of days I've pretty much just eaten an omelette a day, and on the second morning when I woke at 5am with my stomach acting like death was imminent then refusing food, it left me totally jiggered. Today I also worked from 5am through to 3pm on revising the most terrible piece of translation I've ever seen in my life. I did not stop for breakfast, I did not stop for lunch. I was then offered more work and more work and more work (awesome, but why is there nothing through the week then it all lands on my desk on a Friday??)and I had to do the grocery shopping and I was hungry and stressed and it basically all comes down to the fact that I've had about 1,800 calories over three days.

But the strange thing is I could have not have eaten more if I TRIED, I've been really full and dying to feel some hunger! I hope my body is going to sort itself out soon though and settle into a normal routine again, because I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep! Gah! I'm personally hoping it's all just tied in with weight loss - perhaps my body is changing and is having some issues in dealing with these changes... (violently it changes! MAN I love that song...LOOK I warned you it would be rambly, oK?)

Erik and I went to Germany the other day to see the mother in law and before going I fasted all day. We took a 5 kilometre walk in some German woods, them in hiking shoes, me in my five fingers. The shoes felt awesome the whole way and I had a free and easy stride, and easily kept up with both Erik and his mother who are a foot and a half and one foot taller than me respectively! Nor did I have any backpain while walking, something that's afflicted me the past couple of years! Actually, I went down to the supermarket the other day real quick in my normal shoes and the weird twinge on my inner thigh that I always had when I walked returned after me forgetting I ever used to get it - that was an unwelcome surprise, and after walking a mere...what? 400 metres? My left big toe hurt like a FOTHERMUCKER where it meets my foot. I never have that in my Vibrams - in fact all the little tweaks and twinges I used to feel while bending, lifting, shifting my weight, etc are all gone and I had no idea my shoes were causing them up until now. I thought it was all just part of having a fat body. It appears not - my body is awesome and doing what it should, it's just these blasted stylish but painful cowboy boots doing me in. Shame really, I love those boots. BUT I LOVE MY VIBRAMS MORE!

I was crossing the street the other night and had to scoot real quick-like across the road as a car was coming and I did the toe-heel, toe-heel run instead of the other way around. Man, that felt awesome! In doing so you use the strongest muscles in your feet and running feels like a series of bounds instead of a boring way to get around. I'm now actually looking forward to losing a little weight then running in these things. ME! The big fat fatty is looking forward to running - it's too crazy for words.

OH yeah - but back to my rambly story! (YAY!) I knew the evening would be a neolithic fest, so I fasted during the day, walked 5k and was FAMISHED by 5pm. Erik wanted to go down to the local supermarket to buy cheap alcohol (Germany doesn't tax alcohol sales as heavily as Holland does)so I went with him to look for some meat. Whilst there I found the butchers counter and.....heaven, really is the only way to describe it. An entire counter of Schweinehaxe - german-style hams. I bought one (for only €3!!) and some leberwurst and sat in the car snarfing huge chunks of pig with meat and liver paste on.

BEST.

IDEA.

EVER!

I've made Erik promise me that when we go back to Germany we'll pick up 6 more just like it for eating in the Netherlands. Dang, why can't I get meat like that here? *I'm so disgruntled. I have not one gruntle to call me own*

Dinner was fish, veg, salad, rice and ice cream. The next day I had a little meat for lunch and a restaurant dinner of carpaccio and steak and a creme brulee. I think on each day I ate about 50g of carbs, but still managed to put on weight - brutal. Perhaps now that's why my body's so jiggered? Hmm...I'll spare you my wiggly thought processes on that subject, I'm really rather surprised you made it this far!

Oh, remind me one day to tell you about the soup, too. But now I can't take this anymore and I'm going to get into bed and see if I can't sleep this insomnia off. Wish me luck, grokettes.

Now hear this.

2009-11-27T06:09:00.002+01:00

Now, listen stomach.

You wake me this morning at 5am, acting like you've never eaten in your life. You clamour and growl for food. You will not let me sleep! So I get up and make you a beautiful omlette with onions and bacon bits. I eat half and you firmly refuse any more, responding with an overfull feeling and nausea when I pick up the plate.

Dude - up with this shit I will not put! If you're going to lose me sleep because you're acting out the 'I'm DYIIIING' drama then refuse to eat, you and me are going to fall out.

You're lucky I still have 15,000 words of Dunglish to revise or we'd have to take this outside.

2009-11-26T16:26:00.001+01:00

OMG! I'm wearing my jeans that are a size smaller than usual!

And they're comfortable!!

*dances a little jig*

Motivation Proclamation

2009-11-21T10:03:00.003+01:00

Have I told you guys about how much I love my Five Fingers? Oh, I have? Oh well, just one more story, then I'll let it rest. Perhaps.

Yesterday I attended an 'independent professional's trade fair' - an exhibition of services and companies who target freelancers and small companies. Seeing as I myself am a freelancer, I decided to go. I of course wore my Five Fingers and for two hours I wandered around the halls talking to accounting firms, debt collectors, insurance agencies, the Dutch tax authorities and even a few tradesmen firms and I did not stop once or sit down. Two hours standing up isn't a big deal for me, but it is for my feet. After about 30 minutes upright in normal shoes my feet start to burn and after an hour I'm done. I have to sit. Yesterday, I was just about to leave after two hours and realised my feet felt completely and utterly...normal. No burning. No muscle pain. No searing tendons, no nothing, just cool normality like I had just got out of bed.

I.

Love.

These.

Shoes.

SO.

HARD!

*happy sigh*

It's getting to the point where I'm sitting working and dreaming up any excuse I can think of to strap them on and go walking. Do I need something from the supermarket? No. Dang. Do I need anything in town? ANYTHING? No. DANG! I'm disappointed that there is nothing for me to go outside and move for, and that is so weird. Normally all I would want to do is sit on the couch and move as little as possible. Now I want to go out and run around. INCREDIBLE. I owe it all to fatty meat and a new pair of gorilla-feet shoes :)

Now.

This weekend is going to be difficult. Tonight I have to go to the Mother-in-Law's for dinner and tomorrow night I have a networking dinner with an English speaking professional's group in The Hague. Erik's mother is a hard-core adherent to a famous Dutch nutritionist's diet that is ultra-high carb and ultra-low fat, and I believe she is the Dutch equivalent of Dean Ornish. We've told her all about the Paleo diet and she can see Erik and I slowly losing weight, but she still won't budge even though her stomach roll now juts out further than her bustline. She eats 1,200 calories a day of cup-a-soups, fruit, pasta and vegetables - she even has days where she eats nothing but fruit - and walks 25 kilometres a day (no joke!) but she's gaining weight. Every time we visit her, about once every two weeks, she's gained more and her clothes are getting really tight.

And you know what - that's fine. Who cares? She's still the same kick-ass-and-take-names lady, just a little heavier. The thing that pisses me off, rips my nightie, gets on my substantial tits, that makes me crazier than a June bug - is that she BLAMES HERSELF for her 'failure'. It's not the diet's fault - that's sound. She's eating too much and exercising too little.

*stunned, wide-eyed look*

An active woman of 62 who cycles everywhere, who recently climbed the Great Wall of China, who eats 1200 calories a day, who walks without fail every day - is eating too much and not moving enough!???

I.

I just... what the fuck do you say?? What?

I feel like grabbing her shoulders and shaking her till she comes to her senses. But she's a good foot and a half taller than me and stubboner than a mule, so that won't work. All we can do is continue to lose weight slowly and be there to suggest steak when she's hit rock bottom and weighs more than she ever has in her life.

So, yeah. We're going to her house for dinner tonight. It might be a bit of a neolithic fest, but I'm fasting today to offset the damage.

I think I'm going to have to fast tomorrow during the day too, because we're going out to dinner. I have checked the restaurants website and it is a quality restaurant so they have plenty of game meats and delicious jus's and vegetables, and every dish can be made paleo in some way, so I'm pleased. I'm just worried about calories, so I'm going to fast beforehand tomorrow too - just to keep damage control.

You see, this morning I weighed in at 101.8 - the lowest weight I've been in about 6 months so I'm desperate to keep this weight loss going!

I WILL BE SLIM AND ACTIVE!!

Vijf Vingers.

2009-11-19T20:51:00.003+01:00

Oh. My. GOD youse guys, I LOVE MY VIBRAM FIVE FINGERS!!

You're all invited to the wedding.

I would like these for the wedding gift, please :)

As I said a couple of days ago, they finally arrived after 6 weeks of waiting and I got the package open and pulled them on. Holy CRAP they're hard to get on properly when they're new and my little toe was in no mood to cooperate. FINALLY I got them on every toe and the back over my heel and I wandered around my living room. DANG it felt weird having something on my foot and having each toe seperated but after about 10 minutes it felt natural as anything and having my toes squished together in a shoe felt restrictive and painful.

I've worn them out several times in public since - especially to school - and I've had one or two stares, but no one really even notices. Even when I was standing up in front of the class giving a presentation, people were oblivious. I put my cowboy boots after about 5 days of bare-footedness and the five fingers and my GOD they HURT! No wonder I've been having issues with my feet!

The other thing that has struck me about walking without the 'support' of shoes is just how weak my feet are! Jeez, even just stepping off a curb makes me feel like I'm going to step wrong onto my foot and fall over. Trying to walk on my tippy-toes is nearly impossible and changing directions suddenly on the balls of my feet makes me feel like my feet are going to break in half! My calves are pretty pissed about the whole affair, too because they're being moved in ways they've never had to move before! The five fingers completely change your gait and so you even walk on a different part on your foot, and the balls of my feet have murmured their displeasure a few times. These are all things that will improve however as I walk more and more in a nearly barefoot state. I can't wait...!

Oh, yeah! And the searing pain I would get just above my left buttock when walking just never appears when I'm in my Vibrams.

I. Just. Love. These. Shoes.

My only bitch is that when the temperatures drop in Northern Europe in December down to below zero, I probably will not be able to wear these shoes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I jus' GOT THEM!

*sigh*

Them's the breaks.

OMG!

2009-11-11T14:51:00.002+01:00

OMG!

After more than six weeks my Vibram Five Fingers have finally arrived! WOO HOO!!

Dang, they're hard to get on though and they hurt a little at the moment because my little toe rests against the toe next to it and it doesn't appreciate being seperated, but it'll get used to it. I'm trying to think of something I can go buy in town so I can test them out...I do need a pair of gloves for the approaching winter...YAY!

Damn having a freelance job that keeps me tied to this laptop because for once in my life I actually WANT to go outside and run around!

Sugar sugar, ah honey honey

2009-11-10T10:36:00.003+01:00

I started this new eating dealio one year ago last November and I can pretty much say I've beaten my old food demons, of which there were many. It basically took that long to beat back the raging sugar addiction and old behaviour patterns.

However, last night I felt like sweets and so raided the honey jar - some Manuka honey my mother brought with her all the way from New Zealand. I think in all it totalled a maximum of 2 tablespoons, but I immediately reverted to those old stand-by emotions of guilt and shame. For crying out's sake - I just don't see any Grokette feeling guilty about finding honey and scoffing as much as she can while it's there. HONEY! It's been around for how long now? How much really is two tablespoons of honey in the larger scheme of things? Nothing, that's what.

I think it stems more from a fear of getting fatter than I am now - I really do not want to be any fatter. I'm already carrying a good 50 kilogram too much, I can't afford another couple of hundred grams on top of that. Plus it feeds into the 'I'm fat and I did this to myself, shame thyself fatty and repent!' puritanical mindset a lot of women suffer from, including me. I was also feeling a lot of frustration too, it felt like I would never be free from that earlier dependence - but then I also realised that not one single human being on the face of God's green earth, past present or future will ever be free of sugar's lure. We like it for a reason, a little sweet fruit in the summer never hurt anyone, in fact we probably need it. It makes life a little sweeter, so cope!

So I decided to stop being a wienie and act like a normal person for once and let it go.

I'm so, so, so surprised though that I *could* just let it go and get on with my work (I have to cobble together a powerpoint presentation in Dutch about the Maori in New Zealand society - for crying out loud, I'm neither Dutch nor Maori, so this'll be interesting...) and not roam the kitchen bleating about the lack of treats. I just sat, cobbled my presentation together and went to bed feeling normal.

Jumpt to today and I'm fasting right now - not because I'm punishing myself, merely for the fact that I cannot be bothered cooking, so I'm obviously not hungry enough to bother. I also woke up 200 grams lighter than yesterday, so two tablespoons of honey when the last sugar hit you had was a slice of birthday cake three weeks ago? It's not an issue.

Old patterns reemerge every now and again.

2009-11-09T20:46:00.003+01:00

One craving for sweets and two tablespoons of honey later and I'm dealing with some very serious guilt issues.

I mean it's HONEY! What the fuck?

The 'Dam, alcohol, ethnicities and crushes.

2009-11-08T16:00:00.002+01:00

Woof!

I just got back from an hour-and-fifteen-minute walk in sunny 7 degree weather and I'm now warming my flesh on the couch with a load of junk mail and a hot cup of coffee. Does life get any better? The answer is none. It dun't get none better than this.

Well, actually it could be better - I could have my new glasses with the correct prescription - but I only have two more days to wait because I can pick them up and hopefully be headache-free on 12pm on Tuesday afternoon! WOO HOO! It can't come soon enough.

So - the visit to Amsterdam went a lot better than I thought it would...despite the fact it now costs €14.75 to get to Amsterdam, when it used to be €13,50! Holy hell Nationale Spoorwegen, I hate you with a burning passion. You have no idea the kind of crap this company pulls - but that's a bitch for another forum. Anyhoo - I arrived in the 'Dam and we all trotted over to this brand new La Place restaurant. It worked out better than I thought it would as alongside the usual rubbish they also served grilled steak and chicken. I chose a steak, and then piled up the rest of my plate with roasted veg, salad greens and olive oil - a bottle of bubbly water to drink and job's a good 'un! We carped on about translation industry flaws and foibles, then headed off to a gay bar on Zeedijk for cocktails. That part was awesome - but somehow it worked out that because there were three of us, we had three rounds of drinks. I stuck with the citrusy ones and had a lemon drop, a melon ball and a rather rude (yet devine) drink called a clit tease, made with banana liqueur.

We drank, I met a gay guy from Venice Beach, California who was touring with his band and he put me on the guest list for the next time they play in my town - nice..., and gossiped like a bunch of old women, which actually turned worse when I discovered the guy in the group, a man I worked with for four months, is gay.

Seriously, I had no idea. My gaydar doesn't work in Europe. In New Zealand I can pick 'em as soon as LOOK at them, but there's something about European men that just doesn't ping the sonar, as it were. We finally got him past his shyness and got him to spill about his celebrity crushes. Turns out Agnes digs David Bowie (oh God yes, who doesn't...) and I'm switching between fictitious characters Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Noir. Allen likes the lead singer from Travis because he brings out the mothering instinct in him...awwww.

Allen buggered off home after that like the big girl's blouse he is, then Agnes and I prowled the streets of Amsterdam for a bit, still chatting and checking out some of the night life that had spilled out onto the streets. It's interesting in Amsterdam - the ones not drunk but being loud and pushy - they're the Arab men. The ones a little merry, but not drunk and definitely clear-eyed, talking in small groups - are Dutch. The ones who can't stand up straight, are drunk AND stoned, dead-of-eye, loud and in large groups are inVARiably British.

ANYHOO - After eating, drinking, gossiping, waking up with a hangover after 3 cocktails in 4 hours, WTF is the deal with THAT?, and plugging it all into Sparkpeople while drinking black coffee and sucking back painkillers - it still only came out to 1400 calories and 71 grams of carbs. I'm totally impressed because the meal and the cocktails were GOOD! I did fast until about 3pm beforehand and had a handful of nuts and handful of pork scratchings before I left, so that helped keep things low but it's nice to know that even when you're primal and dieting, you can still go out, eat, enjoy yourself and have a few drinks and still keep it reasonable.

But I'm curious, so tell me, ladies - who are your celebrity crushes? Current or otherwise?

Hunger and a rant.

2009-11-06T09:10:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I needed to go to school but didn't take any dinner with me because I'd eaten 2 massive pieces of meat for lunch. I had taken some pork rinds, but they were difficult to eat quietly in a classroom environment. SNACK FAIL! Stupid, really - and I arrived home STARVING.

I immediately got the frying pan out and cooked up some pork and also cooked my partner's sausages for lunch the next day. I ate the pork, then a butt-load of macadamia nuts, then one of the boy's sausages and felt distinctly uncomfortable.

That experience right there was one heck of a lesson - it doesn't matter how much snacky food you have in the house, you have to have MEAT first. The snack foods cannot replace meals, I have to eat the meat first then fill the gaps with the snacks - it can't be the other way around. The past 3 days my calorie count has been creeping up because it's near the end of the week and I haven't done the shopping yet and the meat is running out - as a consequence I've been filling up on nuts and eggs. These are both good foods - but they do not have the same satisfaction factor as meat. For me it has to be first about the meat, second about the snacking to top it off and filling in the gaps.

Anyhoo - last night I went to bed with a weird bloated crampy feeling and woke up this morning RAVENOUS! I'm going to stay ravenous for a little bit today, I think. The hunger pangs actually feel good as they roll around my belly - I think it's time to fast a little this morning then get some quality fats and proteins in around the early afternoon.

This evening I'm meeting up with some old colleagues in Amsterdam and of all the beautiful places we could eat that serve excellent meats for good prices in the entire city of Amsterdam, they've chosen to go to a chain cafe that established itself in a department store that primarily sells sandwiches, pasta and pizza. FOR FUCK'S SAKE! This chain restaurant is in every city - the place I chose that serves duck breast and calf's liver and foams for just 15 euro a plate? Not good enough. Shitty overcooked pasta for 12.50? Yeah! Let's go there despite it being in every shit-splat rural town with 12 inhabitants! Is it carb-addiction or stupidity? A combination of the two? Who knows. I don't feel like paying the €13.50 it takes to get to Amsterdam by train to eat at a fucking La Place restaurant. *sigh*.

Perhaps I'll actually grow a spine later on today and tell them...

Horrible persons, UNITE!

2009-11-04T12:47:00.005+01:00

The other day I bought some Vitamin D3 as winter is starting to set in and once I got them home I discovered the vitamin capsules are full of soybean oil. I shrugged because the caplets are tiny and I only have to take about 5 a day, thought I would be fine.

Ha!

Last night I had my double-wide arse handed to me on a plate.

The cramps set in at about 5pm and did not stop until 8pm. I felt like my lower bowel was trying to crawl out of my body and after I got dinner started I sat on the couch under a duvet with cold chills running up and down my back. And this is from probably what amounts to a maximum of half a tablespoon of soybean oil spread over a two day period. And this shit is supposed to be better for me than tallow or lard?!

Ha, sir! HA I SAY!

I could not face the gorgeous beef and red wine stew I made so I picked out a small bowlful of fatty pieces and ate those, and paid for it later with wicked heartburn. Today I'm back to normal and I will NOT be taking Vitamin D capsules with frankenoils ever again in my life. I'm too used to being healthy and fuctioning well.

In other news though, I'm losing some weight. It's slow, but it's there. I've been tracking calories in Sparkpeople (bearable once you opt out of all their rubbish emails and groups) and have been sitting around the 1,500 mark. When I eat ad libitum I take in about 2,500 calories, but have not had any issue whatsoever with reducing that by a thousand. In fact the past couple of days I've taken in a little over 1,200 calories in meat, eggs and nuts and have not been in the least hungry. If you would have told me 2 years ago when I was eating 1,200 calories of bread, veggies and cereals that I could be full and satisfied on 1,200 calories I would have told you that you were insane, that you're making me insane and would have thrown you out of the nearest window. I can't defenestrate my own self however and don't care to because I'm full, thanks.

I'm pleased that I can feel satisfied even when I'm resticting calories because - weeeell... Do you remember I mentioned once that I'm a horrible person because I track my weight against another blogger who follows the SAD diet, only with calories restricted, and I feel superior because I always weigh less than she does on a full belly and no exercise?

Well, she's been kicking arse and taking names recently on the weight-loss front, something to the tune of 7 kilo in a month! She is now only 2.5 kilos heavier than me and DUDE! That is NOT on! For as long as I am not hungry I am going to diet along the lines of 1,200 calories a day and beat this woman.

I don't know what it is about me - perhaps I'm a little broken in the brain, but I don't really want to lose weight for myself - sure I'd like to fit into smaller clothes so shopping is more varied and I can wear kick-arse, knee-length boots for once in my life - but it's not a massively motivating force. But a fatty on a SAD diet who's going to outdo me?

IT'S FREAKING ON!

Old man horse nuts...whut?

2009-11-02T11:37:00.000+01:00

Last Saturday Erik the Red and I visited his grandfather - a man of 90.

The poor guy, he's so lonely. He's lost two wives in the space of 10 years or so and along with the second wife, all of her family. They have nothing to do with him now, which pains him. His daughters all live far away from him - one has even left the Netherlands and lives in Germany - and he never really sees his grandchildren because they were not close growing up.

He is also suffering from worsening health. His heart bothers him and his lungs are shot. He cannot walk from the sofa to the kitchen without becoming short of breath. He takes countless medications and his skin bruises at the slightest touch because of all the blood-thinners he has to take. He has no quality of life and he just doesn't really feel like living anymore.

His diet consists of breakfast cereals, skimmed milk, margerine, white bread, sausage and one traditional cooked Dutch meal a night. Traditional Dutch cuisine consists of meat, potatoes and vegetables. He drinks every day at a bar for the company against medical advice. The guy's diet is basically pure shit and I wonder just how much it is affecting his life and his will to live it.

I wish I could introduce the Paleo diet to this man, but I just do not think he is ready or willing to take measures that would extend his life. He says over and over again that he's done living - it might be best to respect that. It is an interesting lesson though - eat the paleo diet all through your life to help guarantee a spritely, healthy old age.

Anyhoo, the region where he lives is famous for making horse sausage - and he gave us one. I had never eaten horse until 7 days ago and now I can proudly tick horsemeat off the list of things to try.

Today I went walking aaaaaall around Amersfoort visiting different health food stores for different paleo treats. I now have a tub FULL of macadamia nuts, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, almonds, brazil nuts and little chunks of 85% dark chocolate mixed all up together so when I feel peckish between meals, usually at about 4pm or so (probably because I skip breakfast most mornings - just not hungry)I can just grab a handful and have a nosh. While in Utrecht catching up with a friend, I also found a toko (the Dutch name for a store that sells Asian specialty foods) that sells flavoured pork rinds, without salt! I didn't even wait to get home to rip into the bag, I started eating them as soon as I sat down on the train. Everyone around me looked either horrified (women) or jealous (men). Hilarity!

But the idea of healthy snacks in my house makes me feel good. I can't stand having empty cupboards, it makes me feel deprived if I haven't got plenty of goods to look at. When I feel deprived I start panicking and send the boyfriend down to the supermarket next door for pizza and ice cream, lest I never eat pizza and ice cream, or even just plain EAT, ever again. It's crazy-making for me. When I think about the hunger I used to suffer even as I stuffed myself with vegetarian grain-based dishes, it kind of makes sense that I'm a leetle nuts about keeping food around. I have accepted this quirk and live well with it.

Tell me about your food quirks and give me a laugh, I mean make me feel better...

Conventional Wisdom

2009-11-01T13:44:00.003+01:00

What do you guys think of this? --->Freaky Eaters Addicted to Meat.

He eats a wheelbarrow of sugar a year and it's the MEAT that's the problem?

FOR. FUCKS. SAKE.

I get so frustrated with this kind of ignorant bollocks.

I only have eyes for bacon.

2009-10-24T19:55:00.002+02:00

The past two to three weeks I've been getting some pretty nasty tension headaches that start in my eyes, work their way down to my jaw - making it so tight I can't open my mouth properly (L. Ron Hubbard would say I was experiencing engrams from my time as a clam...)and then going into my neck and shoulders. These headaches make it impossible to relax, so I end up taking a tension headache tablet to knock it on the head before it turns into a migraine and I end up hurling.

Today I went and got my eyes tested to see if perhaps my glasses aren't strong enough thereby causing my headaches. Turns out I needn't have worried about my glasses not being strong enough - my glasses are now TOO STRONG! Yes! Somewhere in the past 8 months my left eye has snapped to, tightened up and gained half a point in focus! I attribute it to my high-fat diet. I think all that animal fat has worked its way into my eye muscles and made them more supple.

However, the weenie who tested my eyes refused to give me my actual prescription so I can't go and get a cheaper pair of glasses elsewhere. Screw it, then. They obviously don't need my business so I'm never going back there again. Wankers.

Oh yeah - remember too how I said I was feeling dizzy and nauseated? Well, I noticed some pork products I bought had an ingredients list. Bacon? Bacon has ingredients? It seems it does. I noticed E250, which is a preservative and I looked it up in my handy-dandy booklet of E numbers. Guess what it said? Risk of hyperactivity, asthma,
sleeplessness, low blood pressure, dizzyness and nausea.

HAH HA! THAT'S WHY!

Dang, bacon! Why you gotta PLAY me like dat?

I'm so disappointed.

Salty fat.

2009-10-23T17:55:00.002+02:00

Emo hissy fit for today averted, because I have found something joyful! Yes! Let joy ring throughout the continent for I have found...blocks of pork fat at the supermarket!

Little packets of little blocks of pork fat that when fried, release their lovely lard and coat meat and veggies with a devine taste. Then, once the blocks themselves are crispy, you can take one, pop it in your mouth, bite it....and it crunches and floods your mouth with a burst of salty faaaaaat.

Om nom, salty fat.

But I'm getting better!

2009-10-23T11:26:00.002+02:00

So, sorry about the whingey post, y´all - I just needed to have a whine and feel sorry for myself and wail. I feel much better today.

Last night I made a gorgeous dinner of some fried fatty pork (Oh! Oh! SO GOOD!) and mashed sweet potato with roasted red peppers. I then scarfed down two bowls of chocolate ice cream...aaaaand...I'm fine with it. I wanted the ice cream, it had been weeks since my last treat and I enjoyed the double-stuffed hell out of that ice cream. Funny, back in my vegetarian days, that ice cream tasted really creamy. These days it tasted insanely sweet.

So, thanks girls for indulging me in my little emo hissy-fit. You all pretty much believe it comes down to the fact that I need to watch my calories. I have taken your words of wisdom under advisement (Gah, sorry. I've been translating a contract, my head is filled with legal eagle mumbo jumbo)and set up a Sparkpeople account to do nothing but track my calories. Man, but that site is annoying, right? Sign this! Get involved with that community, earn Sparkpoints, (for what purpose? HUH?)read our inspirational emails about how to swap out muesli for cheerios (Ha! Wrong audience!), oh! And the very richest of all. Did you ladies know that by restricting carbohydrates I'm hurting my health?

IT IS TO LAUGH!

Whinge.

2009-10-22T17:24:00.003+02:00

I'm not really sad, just kind of mopey and pissed off. I've been eating paleo for nearly a year now, and I'm still as heavy as I started out, I'm still always tired, I'm still lacking energy, I'm getting daily headaches, I'm stressed and feeling dizzy, I'm starting to get acid stomachs more and more often and feel nauseated on a regular basis.

I'm starting to wonder what it's going to take.

However, with that whinge out of the way, I'm not hungry like I used to be, I don't feel depressed, I'm sleeping well and I'm usually pretty upbeat.

I'm starting to wonder if it's not time to really go down the zero carb path and introduce regular intermittent fasts.

Anyone got some advice for my emo ass?

Lean, mean Aberdeen.

2009-09-12T21:45:00.002+02:00

I'm in the Silver City of Aberdeen and I'm stuffed to the gills full of Indian curry made with raw milk, yoghurt, coconut cream and lamb. I also drank two mango lassis and ate coconut sorbet.

I'm in Hindu heaven.

*burp*

Apart from all the milk and a tablespoon of rice, I'm doing pretty well on the paleo way of things. I've had two sqaures of chocolate today - Yorkie - GOD I love that stuff - and I FINALLY had a can of IRN BRU over my breafast-served-as-lunch. Tomorrow I'm going to have a full Scottish breakfast of bacon, eggs, blood sausage, sausages, baked beans and strong coffee.

I have also noticed here the diet here in Scotland is terrible and no one here has nice skin - no one - it's shocking. Everyone is either sallow, with dark circles under their eyes or heavily lined. I would love to see the Scots eat more of their own venison, beef, salmon and wild game and leaving the alcohol alone. Mind you - *pokes her belly fat* - I'm not really in a position to judge...

Flower of Scotland

2009-09-11T22:41:00.003+02:00

Scotland baybee!

Yesterday we took the car ferry from Amsterdam IJmuiden and sailed overnight (aaaah, being rocked to sleep on a boat...so nice...like being back in the womb)to Newcastle, England. The restaurant on board the ship wanted €30 per person for dinner so, cunning like a fox, I made sure to cook some burger patties, roast tomatoes with balsamic before we left, and bought some salad, nuts and mandarins to go with them. We feasted like primal chiefs for €7 per person. Oh Lordy how I rock!

After landing we drove leisurely up through England, through Jedburgh on the Scottish borders, and had lunch (I had local sausages with mashed potato...I'm allowing one portion of chips or mashed potato a day, and one "treat" such as an IRN BRU: "Scotland's Other National Drink" or an alcoholic beverage. Otherwise holidaying primally will drive me NUTS) and we finally arrived in Edinburgh at about 2pm.

Tonight we met up with some friends, and we ate at GBK, or Gourmet Burger Kitchen - it's a company that is owned by a New Zealander and it has spread all throughout the UK. Erik had a Kiwi burger - that is a burger with fried egg and a slice of beetroot, salad veggies and pineapple. Fricken' awesome. And I had a lamb burger with mint sauce. Kiwi as, bro! I discarded the bun though, and ate just the patty and the salad veggies, a handful of chips and had a Mac's Gold - a New Zealand beer. Awesome. Then...

And then..

Something like this happened:

Yeah, baby! I've finally had my deep-fried Mars bar!! Woo hoo! Actually, Erik ate most of it, and I had a quarter off the end. It's so sweet and gooey it sticks to your teeth and the inside of your mouth and just stays there being overbearingly sweet. Then you have to chew the oily batter and it cuts through the sweetness - it's a sugar bomb and no sane person should be eating them.

Happily I'm certifiable. :)

I've never had so much to do!

2009-09-10T08:20:00.003+02:00

These past two days have been a total whirlwind of activity. The day before last I attended a sushi workshop run by an old employer of mine. I ate two large pieces of meat and nothing else for lunch - keeping my carbs below 15 grams in preparation of eating lots of rice (I read somewhere rice is the least toxic of all the grains, so I wasn't too worried).

The biggest thing that struck me about the evening - and that made me feel SO FREAKING SUPERIOR - was that the workshop ran late and at 9pm we still hadn't eaten.

People all around me where whining about being so hungry and were suffering from headaches and where sneaking bits of sushi before they were ready and going on and on and on about how HUNGRY they were. I sat there at the table smiling to myself - feeling perfectly smug. I didn't even have a single rumble and despite having eating more than 10 hours ago, my blood sugar was stable and I wasn't the least hungry and could have gone without dinner entirely. I didn't though, I fricking love sushi and had about 10 pieces and picked the egg, fish and avocado out of the other bits and ate that. OM FREAKING NOM!

That's paleolithic diet one, standard Western diet 0!

Then there was yesterday.

Yesterday was a LOOOOONG day!

(long cat is loooooooong)

I rose at 7am and braved public transport once more (Dang, I'm glad I freelance now and never have to face it again...)and got to the school I will study at to take a placement test. It was three hours of brutal translation and I got through it without once breaking my concentration and I didn't even eat breakfast - the most important meal of the day *rolls eyes*. I never used to be able to concentrate for three hours at a stretch even in my early-twenties student days. My maximum was about an hour and a half, then the words in front of me would start to swim and my mind would wander. This time, cool concentration the entire time. I was quite impressed. Afterwards I ate nuts and two legs of chicken then met up with a girlfriend to go shopping in Utrecht.

I finally found a store that carries FiveFinger shoes and I ordered myself a pair of black KSOs. I will have them in about two weeks. YEAH!

Anyhoo - after shopping we went to a translators meeting held by a group of English-speaking translators and editors and despite not eating dinner and only getting by on two handfuls of nuts and some chicken, also being sleep deprived from a late night and an early morning, and from being on the go ALL DAY - I was fine. Full as a bull, stable blood sugar - plenty of energy - feeling groovy - until it hit about 10pm and my lack of sleep caught up with me and I started feeling as sick as a dog. A good nights sleep took care of that and here I am, about to go to Scotland for a week.

YAY! So, I will be back about the 17th, and I will reply to your comments with my usual verve and humour then. I'm also going to try a deep-fried Mars bar. Is it primal? No. Is it delicious? Probably. Will I ever do it again? Heck no - this is probably a once in a lifetime thing.

If I'm not back after a week, send a rescue party into the highlands to search for me - I will have gone haggis-eating, tartan-wearing, claymore-wielding, gaelic-speaking, salmon-catching native.

Actually, don't send in the cavalry - that sounds like the life! :)

Happy and glowy skin.

2009-09-04T20:34:00.002+02:00

I haz a happy! :)

I've finally experienced a bit of a mood lift since poisoning myself over the month of August. I think a large part of it was the two tablespoons of coconut oil I mixed up with half a teaspoon of cocoa - if you eat it slowly it's rather nice, but I think I would rather blitz it up with some cream and make hot chocolate of it. I'm gonna give THAT a go tomorrow! Wee hee!

Right now I'm watching "My Big Fat Diet". It's a documentary about a medical doctor who managed to get 100 people on an island in Canada with a high Native Indian population to return to their traditional diet of plenty of fish, seafood, vegetables, meats and plenty of fish and animal fats.

The thing that has struck me the most is not their weight loss, but in just 6 months you can see how quite a few people's skin has changed dramatically. They look younger and their skin looks smoother and just glows. That's what *I* want.

I think...perhaps...maybe...that I'm sick of sitting around on my arse all day. It might be time to start filling my time with useful things like cleaning my apartment and getting some exercise. I didn't want to start moving before my body told me it's time but now that I'm well and truely into using dietary and stored body fat for fuel I'm actually feeling happy and active.

Wee hee!

Fast and loose.

2009-09-01T21:53:00.004+02:00

Get it? Fast? Bwa ha ha!

Last night I fasted through dinner - well, OK - I mostly fasted but also looked at Erik the Red with puppy dog eyes as he ate his chinese pork dish and stole a piece while he wasn't looking. APART from that I fasted.

I felt a little hungry, but woke the next morning feeling like a million lira. That is to say not quite a million bucks, but WAY better than before. I kept it going through to 11:30 this morning when I had a cuppa joe and a plate of pork and fauxtatoes. Surprisingly enough I didn't really want the pork, but I could have scarfed another whole plate of cauliflower blended with cream, butter and salt - which surprised me. I thought my body would be after the nutrient dense meat, but no - it wanted the veggies. I finished my plate though, and felt pretty good all afternoon - no real worries until the afternoon where I decided to push WAY past my comfort zone and start to approach potential clients for my business directly by telephone. I don't normally do that sort of thing and it send my adrenaline WAY high. I was shaking and damn, my kidneys ached like mofos. An hour and nearly 1.5 litres of water after and I had pretty much returned to normal. PHEW.

Dinner was a stew I made with a bucketload of onions, a grated courgette, nearly a kilo of beef and a gravy made with red wine, cinnamon, cloves, vegetable broth and Italian herbs. OM NOM!

Afterwards Erik started whinging about how he wanted dessert, so I fossicked around in the fridge till I found some whipping cream and a jar of jam (what you Yanks call jelly - y'all are crazy)that my mother bought and left behind. I put a teaspoon of jam in the blender with the cream and whipped it till it was firm. Hmm... strawberry creaaaaam - it would have been so good with a shortbread biscuit, but I'm in ketosis right now and I'd like to STAY there - especially now that I'm starting to feel a little normalised. I really liked the feeling of being fasted, and I used to fast quite a bit. I think it's something I'm going to have to bust out big styles again.

But right now it's 10pm and like the big wuss I am, I'm calling it a night and curling up with a book till the cat decides it's time to crash. Yeah, I admit it - my life is actually run by a white, deaf, furry little dictator called Kees. I can't help it, he's just so damn cute.

This is known as 'The Purrito'.

Technicolour yodel.

2009-08-31T19:37:00.004+02:00

Bleurgh - I think I really poisoned myself this time around because the 'induction flu' has been killer this week. The first day I returned to the paleo path I dropped 1.4 kilos of water, so I was peeing my brains out, but since then I've been alternating between feeling as if I'm starving, then feeling like I'm going to be heartily sick.

I'll be sitting there, trying to work, when UH OH! I feel my gorge rise,feel the nausea slide up my throat and then that terrible rushing you get in your ears...I run as fast as I can to the loo..then it stops just enough for me to head back to the couch. Hoo boy, am I SICK of that.

Then today I've had a headache that not even three cups of coffee and three hard-core pain killers could touch - urgh, this week has sucked and I don't feel in the least bit healthy - I've been sleeping badly, my guts still ache, I've had some stomach acid issues and I've had a leeettle bit of a problem with keeping my chin up.

The doubt has started to creep in - I can't deny that I've thought that perhaps, just perhaps, the paleo diet isn't the way to go. Especially when I look back and I realise I've never felt the huge amounts of energy people claim to have when they eat clean. Then I remember how sick I've felt most of August on neolithic rubbish and I quickly abandon that line of reasoning. I just have to remember that I am quite literally a junkie coming down, going cold turkey and trying to get clean. It's OK that I'm 'sick' - that's my body sorting itself out.

Look body just freaking hurry, OK??!!

Vegetarian vibrancy.

2009-08-26T12:48:00.002+02:00

I spent four years as a vegetarian, and during that time I did not hear one person say "Oh, I eat shed loads of meat, me." No. Every single person I told I was vegetarian said "Well, I don't eat that much meat." Even the testosterone-y, rugby-playing, barbecue-worshipping, über-male New Zealand men said their intake was moderate at best. I remember scoffing at the time, and I scoff now. Except these days I scoff a little less and actually try to get people to increase their intake.

“Oh, I only eat red meat once a week” people say, expecting a pat on the head for being so responsible. "Oh, no! That's terrible!" I reply. They meet my concerned furrow-browed eyes with mild shock. I can almost hear the needle being ripped off the record. Eeerrrrk! Uh, say WHAT?

“You absolutely need red meat for your health! No seriously, cut out some grains from your diet and replace them with cow or something. I swear, you’ll feel a million bucks.”

It’s about now the light of understanding dawns in their eyes. Ah! That's what it is!! The woman's obviously mad! Either that or indulging in a tasteless joke.

“Ha ha!” they start out, humouring me. “Give up heart-healthy grains and replace them with artery-clogging saturated fats! Hilarious! Pull the other one! It’s got BELLS on, mate."

Although I do try to inform them a little about our hunter-gatherer pasts and how eating the fruits of agriculture is a big waste of time, I’m met with resistance each and every time. I can't blame them for believing that grains are the way to go - I used to think that too. You can't blame them for thinking that meat is about the most unhealthy thing you could eat, because the "science" and popular opinion supporting this fact is so strong. One person told me that despite evolving on eating animal fats, it is unhealthy to eat them, and in fact it is irresponsible to do so because science has provided us with a far healthier alternative - vegetable oils. Hearing that one actually physically hurt me.

People truly believe the healthiest thing you could do for your body is to shun meat entirely and live a vegetarian existence, better yet a vegan one. After all, zero animal products leads to vibrant health, right?

Wrong.

I’ve probably introduced you lot to my mother, like, a squillion times. You know her, right? She’s tiny. She weighs between 49 and 52 kilos and stands about 5 foot 2 tall. She's a hard-core ovo-lacto vegetarian - no food with a face! she cries. I've discussed her diet many times. It basically consists of vegetables, sauces, rice, bread, cheese, litres of skim milk to make litres of tea, margarine (because butter is bad for you), noodles and desserts.

Take everything you know about what it’s like to live primal, then try and subsist on this way of eating. It’s a nightmare, right? She eats very little protein, probably in the order of about 40-50g a day, and watches her fat like a hawk. Everything this woman puts in her mouth ultimately ends up as sugar. Everything. Every. Little. Thing.

She goes to the gym four times a week and puts in at least an hour of cardio exercise each time.

She smokes.

The only fresh, natural, chemical-free things she eats are some veggies.

She eats vegetable oils almost exclusively and drinks only zero percent fat milk.

She suffers from psoriasis and has a patch on her belly that has been there since her teenage years that just will not heal.

She suffers from terrible gastric upsets, is either constipated or suffering from loose bowels and often get so blocked up, it hurts to fart.

She's skinny fat.

She has suffered her entire adult life from black, deep, all-encompassing depression and has attempted suicide on two or three occasions that I can remember in my lifetime. The depression only improved when she capitulated and started taking fish oils.

She suffers from one of the major eating disorders and has done nearly her entire life.

And yet, this is the kicker - the thing that stings me every time - everyone praises her for being “so healthy” and expresses the desire to be more like her.

“Where does your mother put all that food?!" one woman marvelled. "I wish I could be more like her!" I cringed internally and said nothing, knowing the truth.

In London, we shared a twin room and being mother and daughter we’ve seen it all anyway so changed in front of each other and we also discussed some in-depth topics. Mum hates aging, and doesn’t really want to expect to be around much longer. “75” she said. “That’s a good time to go”. Looking at what she puts into her body, the way her body is now, plus the other health factors such as depression and smoking I realised for the first time in my life, that perhaps she's right. She's nearly 60 now and is doing nothing to promote her health. I may very well lose my mother in 10 or so years time and the only thing I can do about it is tell her while she's here that the Dutch for "full cream milk" really means "skimmed" and to refuse margarine entry into my home.

So the next time I fall silent and don't meet your eyes when you tell me how healthy the vegetarian diet is, you'll understand, right?

FEAR ME FOR I AM RETURNED!!

2009-08-25T23:31:00.002+02:00

Wassup y'all? I'm BACK!

Miss me?

Yeah, you did.

Oh. My. God. This has been an interesting three and a half weeks.

It all started on the first of August when I picked my mother up from Amsterdam Airport Schiphol and brought her home.

Let me tell you about my mother. She's tiny. She probably weighs about 52 kilos soaking wet and is an über-vegetarian. The woman eats nothing but bread, coffee jam, noodles, veggies, cake, cheese, litres of milk, scones and cup after cup after cup of tea. Seriously. That is it. I mean it. That. Is. All. She. Eats.

So the next day we went to the supermarket and picked her up some groceries. I think for the first couple of days she lived on bread, cheese, cakes and tea and kind of gave me the stink-eye as I fried myself up some fatty pork and ate it with straight butter. You see, I too used to be vegetarian. I decided perhaps it would be a good idea to stop being vegetarian once the dreams about meat and the voices started. My mother says she's not judgemental, and she probably isn't, but I know for sure she's disappointed.

After the first couple of days the twice daily visits to the supermarket started. Each time she would pick up more milk, more bread, more cheese and more cakes. We had every manner of cakey thing in the house from caramel waffles to custard slices to peanut biscuits. Erik the Red and I are massive fatty-fatty-fat-fat carb addicts. Having these things in the house is like keeping meth around a meth addict. I crumbled in the face of adversity like the proverbial cookie.

Then... oh then...the BAKING started. Mum made pavlovas, Mum made apple crumbles. Mum also visited her girlfriends here and of course social mores state you have a coffee and carb fest on arrival.

Then the eating out started. I couldn't even order steaks and salad because we went to vegetarian restaurants ranging from Hare Krishna joints to fancy veg restaurants with white linen table clothes. The rest of the time we were in cafes were a scone with clotted cream was the most paleo option on the menu or Germany where they love potato dumplings.

After three weeks I had put on 2 kilo.

Then we went to London where we walked all day and pretty much ate all day. In London, Mum impressed on me in no uncertain terms that because she was paying I couldn't choose expensive dishes (goodbye meat dishes) and that I had to finish my plate (hello being 10 years old again!).

My God, every problem I ever used to have came rushing back.

I had ZERO energy and either loose stools or constipation. That funny pressure in my lower throat when I move was back and I found it difficult to breathe when walking (SCAAAARY!). My tonsils hurt constantly and they still do a little. When lying in bed my guts would ache no matter which position I slept in and I had a constant pressure on my bladder. My eyes are constantly dry and erm ... I had gas for Africa. I also suffer embarrasingly enough from inverse psoriasis - painful patches of shiny, red, inflamed skin at the places where the body folds, under the breasts, in the fold where the thigh meets the pubis, etc. I haven't suffered from an attack for perhaps four years, but back on the Standard Western Diet I suffered quite badly. Luckily it cleared up after three days. I gained another kilo too.

Today was my first opportunity to get back on the Paleo path and I have never in my LIFE been so keen to get my hands on a tasty dead animal. I hotfooted it down to the supermarket and bought a kilo of fatty pork and ate half a kilo of it for breakfast. Just after I had a bowl of ice-cream, naughty, but nice. Dinner was a red curry made with onions, mince, courgettes and coconut milk and a I had a snack later in the evening of mince fried with some tomatoes and a little goats cheese. I've spent the entire day on the couch doing nothing because I'm so tired from the shit diet and I'm so relieved I COULD CRY to be back to my high fat diet.

I'm kind of pissed off too that everyone in the primal community is making so much progress and here I am, back at 106 kilo, pretty near the heavist I've ever been. I keep getting in my own damn way and I feel like I'll never reach my goals. This is where I toughen up and will not eat neolithic foods for anyone, even if it means a saving in monetary terms or social awkwardness terms. I'm going to need some help though, so be nice to me as I clean my cupboards of the carb-laden crap and truly commit to the paleo way of life.

I AM UNSTOPPABLE! *rargh!*

2009-08-14T21:39:00.002+02:00

Im dying. Save me from the veggie/carb hell. Send fatty meat.

*dies*

Carb-whipped.

2009-07-31T13:25:00.003+02:00

One day my cat just starting puking and it made me realise that ever since putting him on a grain-free diet, he used to do it regularly, but doesn't anymore. So, he barfed twice on my kitchen floor, then went over immediately to where his treats are stored and started purring and begging. Oh, lordy - my kitty is addicted. Does anyone know where I can get grain free kitty treats in Europe?

In other news, MY MUM HAS ARRIVED IN HOLLAND FROM NEW ZEALAND!

This development means I'm eating like a neolithic cow, constantly munching on bread, cakes, biscuits and other 'yummy' things that my vegetarian, carb-obsessed mother keeps buying. Right now she's in the kitchen making a traditional New Zealand desert called a Pavlova, and there are two apple crumbles baking now as I write. She also brought a range of New Zealand biscuits, treats and chocolates with her - I'm sorry, but I am helpless as a new-born kitten, and I mean utterly DEFENCELESS in the face of Cheezels. God help me when I move back to New Zealand one day.

Thanks to the carb fest I'm tired. BONE tired. My mother runs around like a lunatic, washing this and putting away that as I plod after her. It feels so good to be inactive on the couch, moving nothing but my fingers right now. Once she's gone I think I'm going to do the zero carb, all meat diet to just get some energy, especially as it's sunny, 22 perfect degrees and it's summer out there! That, and the fact that I just miss me some fatty meat with ALL MY SOUL!

Oh the animality!

2009-07-29T02:21:00.002+02:00

So, my wee smells weird again - I'm back in burning-fat-for-fuel mode!

That is both TMI *and* GO ME, right?! Ha ha!

The past two days have been good food wise - I've been eating a large amount of fatty meat about an hour after I get up with a big dollop of weideboter, or grass-fed butter. (The Dutch literally means 'meadow butter'. Neat, huh?) I have a small snack at about 3 or 4 of a cup of tea and some fruit or sometimes even more meat, although I have discovered that more meat at this time can lead to nausea. I then eat some MORE meat at dinner with some veggies. I have to say my mood has stablised and my energy, although not high, is constant, which is nice after weeks of having a bobble head, rubber neck and heavy eyelids.

My 25-year-long vegetarian mother is coming to visit me in the Netherlands all the way from New Zealand on the 1st of August, which is just three days away now. Last time she was here, I was also a hard core vegetarian so she was served a wide range of starchy veggie delights. I think she's going to be bloody shocked at the vast amounts of meat I can pack away in a day now - sometimes up to nearly a kilo - its going to be hard to justify, now that a veggie precedent has been set in my apartment. She knows I've gone back to eating meat, I broached the subject when in Auckland last, and although she was disappointed, she understood. She's a live and let live, non-preachy vegetarian, which is nice, but seriously - the woman runs on veggies, sweet corn, scones, margarine, sliced packaged cheese, bread, noodles, tea, coffee and cake and she's a tiny little thing weighing between 49 and 51 kilos and constantly on the go, cleaning something or at the gym. Although she does suffer some wicked gastric upsets, she seems to suffer no other side affects from her horror of a diet. These days I eat more than a few mouthfuls of wheat and I'm paying for it for days. *shrug* What are ya gonna do?

Thanks everyone for your supportive, positive comments, by the way. I've noticed we're all girls here at this blog, and it's nice that we're not catty bitches at each other's throats. Probably because our insulin and blood sugar levels are stable! :)

Because you're worth it, right?

2009-07-25T21:51:00.002+02:00

I am not looking after myself right now.

Today I ate a scoop of ice cream, I had about 50g of chocolate and three squares of Dutch boterkoek which translates as butter cake - basically equal measures of flour, butter and sugar. I had the sugar high - which wasn't really all that high, and I'm dealing now with the sugar low.

I crashed just before dinner, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I read once that carbs help you sleep, so you should snack on some bread before bedtime, but I think realistically carbs make you TIRED not sleepy, and that's a huge difference.

I'm not sleeping properly either. In the Netherlands, now that it's summer (snort with laughter) it's not dark until 11 at night, so I don't feel like going to bed until it's been dark a few hours - Im not packing myself off to bed til 1 AM. It's light again at 5:30-6 AM, so I'm just not getting good quality sleep.

The summer and my dry as a bone apartment means I'm constantly thirsty and yet for some reason I'm resisting actually gettin' up off my chuff and going to get a glass of water. I'll quite happily drink juice or a soda or some other insulin-a-go-go drink, I actually think to myself "Not water! I want something with a taaaaaaayste!" like a little whiney baby.

So - nutrition, sleep, hydration - I'm not doing too well, and I don't know why I keep punishing myself because I know I'm better than that. The sugar addiction is truly raging.

Send help.

Down, but not out.

2009-07-25T09:08:00.001+02:00

I'm such a bad Beastie Girl. BAD!

I haven't been writing here, partly because I'm just that lazy and partly because I haven't really been following the paleo diet.

Urgh.

I've had a streak of about five weeks of utter neolithic eating, and I'm having difficulty getting back into the same swing. That, and when I open this window, I haven't the fucking faintest idea what to write. Seriously, none.

So bear with me a little OK, because it's going to be a while before I get back into my stride.

I need to recommit to primal eating - would someone like to be my motivational coach? I totally need a hand on this one becuase I've been making some terrible decisions. Even the event of waking up with aching guts and sore joints wasn't enough to get me to swap sugar for fatty meats and I'm starting to think I will never get to goal. ARGH!

Ok, this is the one negative, whiny post I will allow. The rest will positive from here on out. GO ME! :)

2009-06-23T23:35:00.000+02:00

The Beastie Girl atop The Empire State Building. It's the tallest building on Manhattan and my inner Grokette wanted her feet on the ground quick-smart! The rest of her enjoyed the view.

2009-06-06T12:18:00.002+02:00

Ugh.

Why do I keep doing the things I do?

I woke up this morning with a spectacular headache. I mean, it was one for the ages. It was sharp, it was mean and boy, did it hurt. I've taken two painkillers, a cup of coffee and over a litre of water and it has settled down a little...I used to get headaches like this every morning, especially the mornings I used to sleep in, and now they are rare. Thank God for that, but it doesn't make them any easier to deal with.

Least now I know what they are. They're withdrawal headaches! During the day I would load up on carbs, fast overnight and wake up in a state of withdrawal only porrige, cereals and toast could get me out of. The damage I must have been doing to myself! I know better now but still end up binging on carbs and wake up the next morning feeling like rubbish. Today I have no energy, I have a headache and sore shoulder muscles and I just want to nap for the rest of the day.

My lunch though was mince with tomato sauce and a little Boursin thrown in for taste. (Whoever invented Boursin should get a medal. I don't even care that they were probably French.) Tonight I'm going to make beef kebabs with roast vegetables. Sunday I might try to fast during the day and have Irish stew with wine and no potatoes for dinner and get my nutrition and the way I feel back on track.

Ugh, it feels bad and yet I keep doing it.

Humans have SUCH an immature destructive streak in them. HOW did we survive this long?!

2009-06-04T22:06:00.002+02:00

I was doing so well for a couple of days, but I just fell face first into a pizza and a bowl of icecream.

Dammit.

2009-05-25T20:15:00.002+02:00

I've discovered that I really don't like chicken. Even after stuffing myself with chicken curry I still felt unsatisfied. It just doesn't have enough taste, or enough fat. My diet is 70% fat these days and I freaking LOVE it! I'm obsessed with fatty pork shoulder at the moment. Obsessed like woah. I think I could eat pork shoulder for every meal and only pork shoulder. If it's not fatty enough I add butter.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

I wonder if my body is playing catch up from my low fat, vegetarian, low-calorie, portion-controlled years? If so, it has its work cut out for it! I read recently that eating fat and no grains can help repair your teeth - thank goodness because I've got little bumps and pains and chips everywhere in my mouth.

On my company outing on Friday evening I looked at my colleagues teeth. Every single one of them except my American colleague had visible issues going on in their mouths and we are all in the 31-41 age gap. I now wholly believe those issues are caused by grains. I have an issue to - I have beginning periodontal disease in my upper left hand molars. It's only a few millimetres, but dang! If that's not reason enough to avoid grains like the plague, nothing is.

By the way - how TRUE is that cartoon? :)

2009-05-24T17:02:00.004+02:00

I just have so little to say these days.

I've totally hit my stride on the paleo diet, and I've now even got the weight-loss issue under control, so I don't really even have anything to bitch about. Alls I have is a collection of little tit-bits, and I mostly twitter those so what's a cavewoman to write about?

The only thing that's going on in my mind right now is; what do I do with my mental energy? Almost none of my mental energy goes into thinking about the food I eat anymore, none of my mental energy is funnelled into trying to stop myself from binging on carbs. I keep plenty of fatty meat in the house so I have something 'safe' to eat when I'm hungry.

Oh yeah, I suppose I should tell you what I'm doing food-wise that is finally letting me drop some weight. I decided to bite the bullet and go Very Low Carb. I felt GOOD on the Paleo diet, but I wasn't losing weight. The fruits and veggies I was eating were too high carb for my level of insulin sensitivity, so although I wasn't gaining, I wasn't losing either. And I desperately need to lose fast. I'm twice as heavy as I should be!

I bought the Atkins Diet book and decided to try his Induction Phase - where you eat no carbs other than 20g of vegetables a day. I've tweaked it a little. I put cocoa powder in my coffee and I eat more veggies rather than salad veggies, but other than that I stick pretty close. I also do it Paleo style, no grains, no dairy, no peas, peanuts, vegetable oils. I also weaned myself off caffeine as recommended. I didn't do it all in one go as the diet states, I reduced the amount I drink slowly - down to half a cup, down to a third of a cup - then down to three cups of decaf, and now I'm down to two cups of decaf a day. (Decaf coffee isn't truely 100% decaf. It's typically about 10-20 % caffeine, so if you have 10 cups of it, it's the same as drinking 1 to 2 cups of regular coffee.)

Since restricting carbs so strictly I've lost nearly 2 kilo, and I'm well on my way to getting to 92 kg which is my first goal weight.

2009-05-01T08:59:00.003+02:00

I am shocked and mourning the events at Apeldoorn on Koninginnedag.

My heart goes out to all affected.

Leve de koningin.

2009-04-30T10:11:00.001+02:00

I have spent a happy couple of weeks eating a more paleo-oriented diet and I've been munching my way through chicken, pork, stew, japanese pears, turnips, oranges, almonds, lots of eggs and salads, the odd sausage and enjoying every bite. I've been feeling good, lively and whole.

And now?

OH MY GOD I'm craving the fat harder than I have ever craved anything in my life. Ever.

Last night was a total fat-fest. I ate fatty pork cooked in butter, and eaten with butter on the side. I had about 400 grams of pork with at least 100 grams of butter. With it I served turnips cooked in butter, coconut milk and mustard. After all that I was still hungry so I cooked up some mince that I accidently bought lean. Yuck. Nowhere near enough fat came out of the mince to cook it, so I had to add coconut oil and butter to the mince so it would fry properly. I ask you, what's the point of lean mince? *Is mystified*

After that, I could have eaten more, but I thought "Well my belly's not actually rumbling, so I'll leave it here". I just checked out now what I ate in FitDay - and it comes to 3,500 calories, with 293 grams of fat and just 52 grams of net carbohydrates. Ha! Can you imagine what a nutritionist would say if they saw that? Bwa ha hahha! Talk about two fingers up to the man, eh Ngakuta? And yet I felt satisfied and not the least bit sick. I could have eaten more fat. Yes, more.

Today I think it might be a good idea to fast. I've never had results with fasting, I think perhaps I don't fast for long enough. Mind you, I've never really had results with anything, actually. Not even the paleo approach or the high fat approach. I really suspect I'm very insulin resistant and my body has a death grip on my fat.

I think it's time to drop the paleo approach for a bit, because it's what my body is telling me to do, fast more, especially as I notice that when I eat a high meat, high fat diet my body wants to stuff itself to repletion just once a day and not eat again in that 24 hour period. My body is also telling me to get moving...

YOu see, today is Koninginnendag in the Netherlands. It's known in New Zealand as Queen's Birthday, but this one is for the Queen of the Netherlands, Beatrix. It's a national holiday, everyone has today off. It's also traditional to have a vrijmarkt, or free market, when everyone sets up stalls and sells the crap they want to get rid of. It's a beautiful day, too. Sunny and cool, probably about 12 degrees. My body feels light and is itching to get outside to the Hoofd Vrijmarkt on the main square of the city I live in - Amersfoort. It's going to be one big rummage sale, and I love that sort of thing. I'm going to dress up in my orange "Forever Holland" t-shirt (if you're really lucky I'll take a photo and post it), break out my orange jewellry and meet some friends of ours at the market. They want to eat the traditional "patatjes oorlog" - which literally means "War fries" because they put so many ingredients on the fries, the ingredients fight with each other. Depending on the region, the fries are covered in either peanut sauce, mayonnaise, and raw onion, or curry sauce, peanut sauce, onions and ketchup, or in Belgium with gravy, mayo and ketchup.

OM NOM right?

(bleuuuuurgh!)

I think I'll pass.

I....can't!!!

2009-04-26T08:44:00.003+02:00

Take a look at this .

I can't believe the things it contains. The fearmongering. The idiocy. The conventionalism. I...I don't even know where to begin. Ok, the headline is a good place to start.

Why home cooking is a recipe for heart attacks.

*sigh* Then what are we supposed to do? We're not allowed fast food anymore and restaurants are aparantly trying to kill us by insisting on cooking with butter. Then Mum goes ahead and deliberately cooks us a healthy, balanced meal - the BITCH! Doesn't she know she's killing us? Quick, kill her first before her love and devotion land us in the emergency ward!!

The Fat Panel, an independent group of doctors and nutritionists, recently analysed dishes from cook books of famous chefs and found that many flouted healthy-eating guidelines.

*Sigh* Do you know why chefs 'flout healthy-eating guidelines'? Because butter tastes gooooood. Fat tastes gooooood. Meat tastes gooooood. 'Heathly-eating guidelines' taste thin, watery and tasteless. Healthy-eating guidelines are leaving us sick and fat. Chefs know this instictively and therefore load their food up on the good stuff. Chefs want you to leave their establishments happy and so offer tempting, juicy steaks. Steaks are the key to happiness people, restricting saturated fats is not.

'What's worrying is that some people are cooking recipes such as this as a way of life,' says Sian Porter, of the British Dietetic Association, and a member of The Fat Panel.'

Ha! I KNOW! I'm one of them. I lurve fat. Fat is my boyfriend. I read another article today in the Daily Mail that made my blood boil. They said they had found a woman who...get this...had eaten a hundred years' worth of fat in just 60 years. AH GAAAD NOOOOOO!!!! I'm only 31 and I'm sure I've munched my way through at least 2 years' worth of fat in just 6 months of Primal eating. AH GAAAAD NOOOOO! I'M GONNA DIE!

You know I just BET that this women who said that she's worried for the fatties guzzling celebrity chef pumpkin soup has lips as puckered as tight as her arse. Damn, girl. Loosen up.

And then there's the whole conflation thing of....oh jeeze. YOu know, I just CANNOT go on reading it. Look, we're all fat, irresponsible parents who are abusing ourselves and our chidlren for DARING to cook good, healthy food at home - who the bloody HELL do we think we are NOT scrabbling before the Fat Panel and kowtowing until they fix us a yummy pasta dish with just one gram of fat!? Jeez, you fatties and people who aren't as clued in on nutrition as they are, are just stupid. Just let them step in, think for you and get you nice and thin and healthy and vital on whole grains, lean meats and vegetable oils.

God, whose heart sank to the pit of their stomachs when they read that last sentence as mine did? Even the thought these days of having to eat low-fat, grain-filled dishes made with franken-oils makes me want to literally gibber with grief. The merest THOUGHT that these foods might once again touch my lips makes me feel like eating a block of butter and chugging down a pint of cream. In fact even just the thought of that future deprivation and torture made me just now leap up off the couch and get a cool glass of coconut milk to drink. It's from Thailand this one and there are no preservatives or e-numbers of any kind in it. I'm SOLD!

Now that I'm living this Primal lifestyle I cannot imagine going back, nor can I believe people are blindly swallowing and regurgitating this complete and utter BOLLOCKS.

That cat shouldn't eat the diet natural to it either. Don't you know how many sat fats there are in a guinea pig???!!!???

A CHALLENGER APPEARS?

2009-04-21T13:26:00.004+02:00

I just got back from the dentist a few days ago. It's all pretty much ship-shape, I just need to pay two visits to the dental hygienist to have my teeth cleaned because I have a little tartar and my gums are mildly inflamed.

I'm really lucky, you know. For thirty years I ate sugar, bread, pasta, pototoes, vegetable oils, as part of a low fat, acidic, vegetarian diet. I saw the dentist up until the age of 18 when it stopped being free, and never saw another dentist for something like eight years after, until I got to England and was called up to see one as part of NHS health screening. These are all factors in tooth loss and yet I've made it this long without one single cavity. Dude, am I lucky or what?

In other news, I'm totally OVER trying to keep saturated fat low and I'm craving fatty meat again like you would not believe, so screw the Paleo approach. I'm now going to eat whatever the heck I want (which is currently fried chicken breasts with pats of warm butter) and satisfy this hunger I've been feeling the past couple of days. I've also been suffering from a pre-menstrual issue that I haven't had in a few months. I think it's directly linked to a reduced fat intake. So there's my answer. It's taken a goodly while, but it boils down to 'if you want veggies, eat veggies. If you want fruit, eat fruit, if you want fatty meat, go nuts. Your body will tell you what it wants.'

Right.

My body has been telling me it wants pizza, chips, sugary creamy coffee, fruit juice, cakes and pies. And I've been GIVING my body that crap. I've been slowly increasing my bad carb intake over these past two weeks, and I'm back to feeling like warmed -up death with tension headaches every day. I don't do anything unless it's a little bit fun, so I thought to get me back on track I would introduce a challenge and what I want to do is this.

I would like someone to join me in eating clean paleo for one week. At the end of that week, if we have successfully completed a clean, cheat-free week, we send each other something to the value of 50 cents (of your currency - i.e. euros for me, dollars for my American and New Zealand readers). It doesn't matter what - the more random the better. It's supposed to be fun and a little eccentric - just like me! At the end of week two, something that costs 1 dollar, week three, 2 dollars, week four five dollars - and then after that we would have completed more than a month of clean primal nutrition and that kiddos, is it's own reward.

I will accept three challengers.

To enter, leave me a comment and explain in 500 words or less what you would do with 30 million dollars, what your superhero name would be, your favourite animal is and why you are a rock star.

This oughta be good!

2009-04-19T19:46:00.002+02:00

My God last night was a total carb fest with pizza and ice cream.

Today I've been feeling fragile and hung over exactly as if I had been drinking, not merely stuffing my face with sugar and wheat.

I had salmon curry for dinner tonight and it was damn tasty. I've just finished a glass of red wine too, so I'm feeling pretty good.

Yee hee!

I'm considering checking out a gym that's opened up nearby my house tomorrow to see what kind of weight lifting equipment they have. Years of vegetarianism and dieting has probably decimated my muscle mass. I guess in that sense it's lucky I'm fat, it takes muscle to carry around my bulk so dieting couldn't have scavanged it all. It's probably high time to get busy lifting and lifting hard. I'd like some muscle.

2009-04-18T08:43:00.002+02:00

Right ho, kick 'er in the guts, Trev.

Kia ora everyone.

My European size 50 jeans gave up the ghost and I've discovered much to my delight that the size 48 jeans I bought before putting on a lot of weight now fit again. Well, I can do them up. If I'm walking around, standing up they fit well. They're still just a little too tight to sit comfortably in. But still - they do up!! Just 5 months ago I didn't have a hope in hell of getting them shut so that's progress and I'll take it.

I'm still not losing weight but I refuse to freak about it. My body is fat, probably insulin resistant, so I need a good long stretch of months of clean eating before my body gives up its death grip onthe fat. Fine, fine. I'll wait. My goal was to get down a size for my trip to New York, but screw it. I rocked Manhattan once as a size 48-50. I'll do it again and once again get more male attention that I know what to do with. Thank you men of New York/New Jersey. I totally owe you a debt of gratitude.

So, as you know I've readopted the true paleo approach. I am having two minor, minor niggles. Not even niggles, really. Niggle-ettes. Niggle light.

The first is my hunger levels have shot up again. It takes more protein and veg to fill me up now than when I was mostly eating meat and nuts. (Oo er, that sounds rude!)I'm slightly worried about it but I know if the carbs remain relatively low and it's not white table sugar then I'm pretty much golden and can eat as much as my body tells me to. YOu know it's probably starved for some minerals and vitamins, so I may as well keep eating all the vegetables I want, right?

The second is that I'm finding it hard to reduce the fat by a lot and increase the carbs slightly to meet the Paleo diet standards. I still don't buy the assertion that saturated fat is bad. After all, the Tokelauens subsisted, nay thrived on 50% of their nutrition coming from the saturated fats. Start with the blog I just linked to and search for Tokelau and you'll find a great deal about their lives, nutrition and health. And as Free the Animal put it - why would God want to kill you by making natural foods available that are full of the stuff? WHY indeed?

So. What do youse fullas think? Should I be busting my own chops about the amounts I eat as well as the amount of saturated fats?

Weigh in in the comments - I'm off to get my hair cut.

Nom crunch nom

2009-04-14T20:25:00.003+02:00

So, it's been two days into my taking my Paleo diet back. On the day I decided to embrace the true Paleo diet, Wiley Long of the Paleo Diet wrote this tweet:

Hunter gatherer diet: 19-35% Protein, 22-40% carb, 28-47% fat (10-15% saturated fat). Outside those ranges = evolutionary discordance.

Gosh, talk about timing - it was just the reminder I needed. I've been following the wrooooong advice. Oh, I'm absolutely convinced that it wasn't the wrong diet for THEM - but it was totally the wrong diet for me. I was advised again and again to cut fruit, and I did it, even though even just the thought of doing it choked me up. Today I ate a whole punnet (500g) of strawberries, cut up in a bowl with just a drizzle of honey over them and it was gorgeous. I felt like a million bucks after eating those strawberries and I still feel like a million bucks 8 hours later. I not only ate strawberries today, I ate scrambled eggs for breakie, a huge salad with salmon, walnut oil and balsamic vinegar for lunch, a handful of nuts and a coffee for a snack, and for dinner I made a ratatouille style dish with onions, eggplant and tomatoes cooked in a little broth and red wine. I fried up some pork and threw that in too. All that adds up to only 80 grams of carbs, 20g of fibre. This means I'm going to have to double my carb intake to get to the 22-40% range of carbs as recommended by the Paleo diet. More fruit? More veggies? OH NO WHAT A BURDEN! *languid hand to forehead*

Tomorrow night Erik the Red and I are going to an Argentinian restaurant for dinner. What are the Argentines known for? That's right. STEAK!

I'm going to start off with beef carpaccio, then move onto a 200 gram, medium-rare, Argentian steak with garlic butter and a plate full of salad. I'm REALLY looking forward to it - OM NOM!

2009-04-12T22:41:00.002+02:00

I do this every time.

*Sigh*

Buckle up kiddies, this is going to be a long one...

Youse fullas know what?

Screw it.

No, really.

Screw it.

I'm tired.

I'm fed up.

I've had it.

I'm done.

Recently I've been so far up my own arse on the weight loss issue I've forgotten to live and I've had a gutsful. My major issue right now that's draining me is now that I've made it to under one hundred kilograms I've been trying to force more weight loss by restricting calories and getting strict about my food. I have lost my way as every one of my meals are exactly the same, again and again and again - and when one considers the bounty of foods available to Paleo adherents, repeated meals is a crime.

Restricting intake for the sole purpose of weight loss is a crime too, so lock me up and throw away the key, I'm as guilty as sin. I mean, sure - you don't go nuts eating nothing but plate after plate of nuts, but if years of dieting has taught me anything is that you need to fill your belly till it's full or you will suffer. Lordy have I been suffering – not from hunger luckily because low carb is a satiating diet, but I have been suffering mentally. Well, suffering is a bit strong but I've totally been beating myself up about not losing weight quick smart. I've been focusing so hard on losing weight I have lost focus on what the Paleo Diet is. The Paleo Diet is a way of eating that excludes dairy, grains and vegetable oils and includes lean meats, fruits and vegetables. It's moderate carb, moderate fat and high protein.

I've, of course, been reading Paleo/Primal blogs that recommend lowering carbs and increasing fat intake, but if you read the Paleo diet by Loren Cordain he recommends moderate carbs, moderate fat and high protein intake. I have been following the advice given by the men on these blogs, and my weight loss has stalled out. I was tweaking the Paleo diet, and swapping it out for a more Atkins approach, ever lowering the carbs I ate – under 100 grams a day, under 50 grams a day and I recently decided perhaps in light of how I'm not really losing I should lower carbs to 20 grams a day. This is madness.

First of all, I'm a woman. What works for those men will not necessarily work for me. Women naturally tend to gravitate to the vegetable end of the scale – think about it – how many men do you know who are vegetarian? Men are pretty happy snarfing steaks and onions, women on the same diet would crave a salad after a while...I know I would. I have been in fact. I had a bag of different kinds of fancy lettuce last week that I ate with prawns and salmon, smothered with walnut oil and balsamic vinegar and after my carb restricted fare, it tasted like heaven. I think I just need more fruit and veggie carbs than what I've been eating. Rereading the Paleo diet book I came across something interesting. It's the section where they compare the Paleo Diet against the Standard American Diet, and I noticed that the carbohydrates the Paleo woman eats total 150 grams. Loren Cordain says a little later in the book, eat as much meat as you want, eat as much fruit and vegetables as you want – and you will still lose weight and normalise health parameters. I love fruit – and that's after disliking it when I was eating a vegetarian, low fat diet. I love veggies. I love meat – so why aren't I eating them? It's crazy that I'm not and I'm changing that now.

Second of all, the further I move away from the true Paleo diet as set out in the book, the more my weight loss has slowed and the less content I feel. My frustration and feeling of running about in circles is back – and although I'm still one TRILLION times better than I ever was on a traditional Western diet, I don't like the niggling feeling of failure. I am too much of an intelligent, kick-arse, take-charge person to fail. I'm not a whiny little emo, so why am I acting like one? Because it's a signal that something is wrong. I'm not getting the nutrition I need, and that is also changing from now on.

Yesterday I took a little action and hit the Turkish and Asian markets to get away from the pounding drudgery of Dutch supermarkets. I fell in LOVE at Özim Market – oh the tasty delights! A huge abundance of fruit and vegetables that were grown in the sun not a greenhouse, fresh, dried and preserved lemons, shelf after shelf of goat and sheep cheese, Turkish delight! Oh! HEAVEN!

There I bought ghee, tamarind, garam marsala, aubergines, a sprig of mint and Halva, a dessert made with sesame seeds.

I hit the Toko, which is an Asian store and picked up two litres of coconut milk, yellow curry paste, two types of seaweed and assorted spices.

I now have cupboards full of tasty tastes and fruit and veggies and it feels wonderful and now I'm going to EAT them. I'm going to eat 150 grams of carbs of fruit and veggies and I'm going to be healthy and happy and rededicate myself to the TRUE Paleo approach...GO ME!

gibber, screech and drool

2009-04-08T19:52:00.002+02:00

While surfing the nets while I should have been working, I came across this interesting article from Time magazine. The article proposes that vegetarianism could hide disordered eating behaviour in teens and says that binge rates are higher in vegetarian teens than in those who have always eaten meat.

While I can't speak for teenagers as I turned to vegetarianism in my mid twenties, I can relate what it was like for me as a vegetarian. I've always loved eating but it wasn't until I turned vegetarian that I truely descended into disordered eating. Now that I eat the Paleo diet I still over-indulge once in a while because I fricken' love food, but it's not that same sick feeling of trying to fill a hole that just won't go away.

You know what? Speaking of filling a hole - I don't buy the bullshit Oprah-ese of "you're trying to eat your feelings" emotional type rubbish. Our hormones are stronger than that - if you're body has what it needs it's not going to push you to eat no matter what you're going through.

I used to eat out of what I thought was boredom and other emotion, but it's something I just don't do anymore no matter what I'm feeling. As a vegetarian I was seriously lacking in some essential vitamins, the food I was eating was blocking the vitamins I took in, and I was religious about following the high-carb, low fat, calorie and portion controlled wisdom - that's one heck of a set up for insulin peaks and troughs and continuous, gnawing hunger. THAT is the thing pushing you to eat, not whatever you're feeling. Oh yeah - don't forget the drug-like effect of sugar on the body. Notice that no one comfort eats brocolli, they head straight to pastas, potatoes and chocolate. I was set up to fail at every turn. No wonder my diet was putting me on the edge of nervous and physical breakdown.

Now that I'm getting the nutrition I need which is on some days up to six times the daily recommended amount of vitamin B12 - one thing sadly missing from most veggie plates - I sometimes feel a transient, weak impulse to head to the supermarket for a cakey thing, but it's fleeting and easily controlled. It used to be an all-consuming obssession.

The Paleo diet gave me my mind back.

Tell me what it's done for you.

Real Zeal

2009-04-06T20:22:00.002+02:00

So I just had a little epiphany while reviewing the comments people left for me on my last post.

Everyone of them is from my home country of New Zealand. It seems there is a neat little Paleo community out there for us Kiwis as with me included thre are five of us. I suggest we create a club called the Real Zeal Paleo Club and go out there and smack the carbs out of Kiwi mouths! Yeah! Plus I will be coming home at around Christmas time in 2010. Let's met up and get steak.

Right.

I've decided not to be such a whiny baby about the whole coffee issue. It's come down to the wire for me now. I either nut up and quit cold turkey or I just drink the damn stuff because I like it and compensate for the eight grams of carbs drinking the coffee entails. I've decided to stop making an issue of it and drink the darn coffee until it becomes a problem. Right now it's not. Perhaps when I get to the point of just having those last ten kilo to lose that just *won't* budge I can reassess the situation but for now it makes me happy and gets me through my mornings.

Joy!

2009-04-05T17:15:00.003+02:00

Joy of joys youse fullas!

I weighed in this morning at 98.9.

I am well and truly under 100 kilograms.

My BMI is out of the 40s - I'm at 39.8.

Fucking GO ME!! YAAAAAAAAAAAY!

*flails arms around like Kermit the Frog*

To say I'm pleased is somewhat of an understatement! All this time I thought I was doing something wrong and that the Paleo diet was not working for me. All this time I hadn't and it was!

Thank GOD I have an accurate scale that shows me what I'm doing is good! I feel like I'm back in the game.

Back in the days when I was following a high carb/low fat/portion controlled diet I used to read the blogs of those who did too. To this day I still read one of them. I don't really know why I do but I strongly suspect it's got something to do with the fact that I'm a terrible person and I like watching her fail.

I have a little competition going with myself - I've always tried to weigh less than her. There was a time when we were pretty similar - about 230 pounds (she's American so doesn't use kilo) but now I'm at about 117 and I think she's at about 227. I'm just under 10 pounds lighter than her and that feels good.

Plus watching her fail makes me feel good about choosing the Paleo diet, too. I left her a comment once asking her if she has ever tried the Paleo diet. Her answer was "I did Atkins once, but I stopped it, the weight all came back on and I've been eating oatmeal for so long, it's part of my soul."

God - the stupidity HURT then and it HURTS now....I clutch my head at everything that is wrong with that sentence. *clutch times a million*

So - that's what makes me a horrible person. I'm using her as a measurement - the worse she does, the better and more justified I feel. Aren't I rotten?

And yet I wish everyone would eat the Paleo diet, I REALLY DO.

This afternoon it was a balmy 13 degrees and I was feeling antsy - so it was time to ride our bikes. Erik the Red and I pumped the tyres back up, squeezed into some exercise clothes and got our chubby butts out on the road. We rode about 17 kilometres - I think that's just over 10 miles for you Yankee-doodles - at a relatively leisurely 17 kms an hour. The whole time my throat never hurt once (I used to have this weird thing on my high carb/low fat diet that any exercise would make the area just over my collarbones in my throat hurt and make my breath raspy), I barely felt my knees when normally they'd be screaming about 5 kilometres in, and although my bum started to hurt at about the 10 kilometre mark (hard bike seat, ow!) the rest of me was raring to go. I felt like my body was an engine that was just ticking over, idling. I was very slightly out of breath, but I could still have breathed only through my nose if I wanted, and on the last stretch home over a relatively short but steep bridge, Erik the Red and I just powered over it, over taking every single cyclist on the way and we were a good 40 kilo heavier than the heaviest cyclist there.

God, that feeling of ENERGY and of being CAPABLE and STRONG felt so fucking good. I felt like I could have kicked arse and taken names and then fought the world.

I never felt that ONCE on the "healthy" vegetarian diet I was eating just a short few months ago. Everyone should feel like this. EVERYONE. Perhaps I should start leaving more and more and more comments for that poor lady on her blog. Perhaps one day she'll nut up and take the step, catch up to me and feel like a million bucks too.

I hope she does as ultimately there are a MILLION other saps out there to follow.

Yus!

2009-04-04T14:58:00.002+02:00

Yes! My brand new expensive scales arrived!

WOO HOO!

They're beautiful.

I had gone to the market, where I bought half a kilo of salmon, some leeks, some peppers, mung bean sprouts and parsnips, and it was waiting for me on my return. I ripped open the packaging, ripped off my clothes (w00t!) and stood on the thing.

Now, my old, crappy, pull-any-number-you-feel-like-out-of-your-arse scales place me at anywhere between 100 and 102 kilos. They creak as you stand on them and they are seriously useless. You can move them to different parts of the bathroom or take them from tiles to hardwood floor and they'll give different readings. But I still trusted the things. The days I ate more than I should, I'd get up the next morning and see a horrific gain of 800 grams overnight. The next day I'd be up another kilo, so 200 grams of steak too much and I'd gain 1.5 kilo and I'd feel like shit about myself because a huge meal or "too much" would affect me so badly. I mean, look at the scale - I'm so obviously weak and disgusting that I'm gaining rolls of fat by the minute!

These new scales however put me at exactly 100.0 kilos. Every time I've stood on them they've said the exact same thing. They don't creak. They don't give different readings according to position or floor suface. They appear to be normal, accurate scales. YAY!

Plus it's such a comfort to me to know that when I thought my Paleo ways were not paying off, they WERE paying off. I just had shitty scales that could not reflect the work I had put in. Now I'm going to see much more accurate ( but not perfect - I know this -) results so I have a much better track of where I am, and how what I'm doing is working. Tomorrow, when I weigh myself in the morning, I may even be UNDER 100 kilo!! GO ME! If I am I'm going to have to celebrate. Ideas in the comments, please!

That makes me so goddamn happy. I'm feeling SO good right now so you're all invited over for tea. I'm making red thai curry with salmon, bean sprouts, red peppers and coconut milk, so you're in for a treat!

(Tea in New Zealand means both the drink and the evening meal. I know, go figure, eh?)

2009-04-04T12:39:00.001+02:00

Look what I found this morning.

I wouldn't call the diet crazy, personally - but it is a nice indication of what people think of us cave people. At least they are somewhat positive about the diet at the end though!

Trip the light fantastic or something.

2009-04-04T09:22:00.002+02:00

I haven't been doing too well recently.

On Thursday, my colleague brought in brownies for her birthday. I partook and felt like warmed over, hypertensive crap for the rest of the day. I can get pretty bad tension headaches and by mid-afternoon I was nearly literally chomping at the bit because the tension in my jaw, neck and eyes was so bad.

Erik the Red enjoys 200g of chocolate over the space of a week and I've been having a piece more and more often.

Last night at dinner with friends we were offered Indian food - sugary chutney, poppadoms, rice and alcohol.

This morning I had a piece of chocolate and a coffee with sugar...

I'm just not on the Paleo track right now and it doesn't feel good.

I'm not too worried for the short term because the "binges" or more acurately the 'slips' I experience now are NOTHING compared to how I used to eat. Seriously, while everyone else piled their plates with curry and rice, I had two spoons of rice, two of curry and I was done. Everyone else tucked into a sixth of a huge serving tray of tiramisu, I had about 6 small bites, about a half of what was on my plate and was done. I cannot eat the same way as I used to, I just can't - but I can still eat sugar and crap like it was going out of fashion. Moreover I WANT to and that's driving me nuts.

I'm not losing weight when I really need to, I'm not active apart from walking 40 mins every day to and from work, and there is just so much adult responsibility that I could be taking and I'm not.

However I refuse to freak about this, I won't think perfectionist thoughts and beat myself up about it. I'm going to go down to the market, pick up some lovely, fresh vegetables, tame a horse and get back up on it, because I'm worth treating myself nicely. So there.

Perhaps I'll check out that new gym in the city centre while I'm there.

Last night was pretty good though - the one thing I don't really have much of is social contact with others, and even the most introverted cave dweller needs people every now and again. Right now Erik the Red is in our second bedroom, playing World of Warcraft so I won't see him for hours and that's just fine by me. I love time to myself - it's the only, sole and singular way I can recharge my batteries. I love company but it drains me and I have to spend time alone to regain a little sanity. Company however, because it is something I don' t seek out, is something I don't often get. Last night there was one other native English speaker, from England, so it was nice just to talk some complete and utter bollocks with someone who gets the same humour I do.

I'm currently listening to Pink Floyd, a band I have never heard before now really, because this Englishman is so into them he spent a good while extolling their virtues. They do sound interesting, but I suspect what you need to do is get a hold of some primo Dutch skunk, smoke, flop back into a beanbag and listen to it with headphones on. There is a coffeeshop just a few houses down from our apartment. Hmm... *strokes chin*

Salt lick

2009-03-31T21:47:00.003+02:00

Ugh, this eating salt thing has GOT to go.

While shopping the other day I picked up a pork roll roast...thing and cooked it up for dinner tonight. I cut it open and popped a bit in my mouth - and it was so salty it made the inside of my lip pucker! Cut with the creamy leeks I made it actually tasted pretty damn good. Or in the words of Erik the Red "OM NOM! Make that again!"

I don't think I will though - I've had a pretty salt laden day because I ate some pork rinds too, and then with the whole monthly bleeding thing, ach - you know I've bounced back up over the 100 mark.

Still - I knew this would happen. For some wierdo reason I always lose weight just before my period is due and put it back on in the first or second day. I've gone back up to my usual100.5-100.7. This doesn't worry me because first of all I know now that my body will get to below one hundred in it's own sweet time, and second of all because I know my scales are cheap pieces of crap and pull whatever numbers they feel like that day out of their arse. Or do scales have arseS - plural? I think personally that they just have one collective arse. An arse I'd like to kick.

Uh, moving right along...

While havin' a shoofty round the Internets I came across a deal where a 70 euro pair of scales was being sold for 56, so I made the Redman promise he'd pay half and bought them. They'll arrive Saturday morning. It's this bad boy here (sorry about the Dutch!) it tracks your weight, bone density, water content and muscle percentage and that of 9 other people. Shame it can't get me ready in the morning coz that would be a huge help.

(God, I can barely SEE when I get up, yet alone get my act together....I HATE mornings).

Uh...anyhoo.

I'm downloading 62 pocasts. I'm obsessed with British comedy.....

Uh...what WAS I on about?

Doesn't matter.

Some anonymous person told me to lay off of any kind of sweetner and Dr Dan chimed in with pretty much the same opinion. I have to concur - I think I've given the stevia a good run, but it just tastes too much like a chemical sweetner to be of any damn use to me, it leaves me with a fuzzy tongue too, so I think I'll ditch that idea. Never mind, it was worth the shot.

I've decided that I'm cheating too much on the Paleo programme. I'm cheating on it with this stuff called koffieroom or coffee cream, this wonderful invention that Holland has created which is like a combination of cream and condensed milk. Just one tiny splash makes any coffee a delicious treat. Just add sugar and it's a cup of paradise. I think though, it's time to let it go. I've been getting very little pleasure from coffee recently, I just can't find one that tastes nice on our office's senseo machine (a Dutch coffee machine thus:

so I think it's time to just take my lumps and the caffeine headache and stop drinking coffee.

*sigh*

It's like I'm letting a tiny part of my funky - 30 something hipster self die...

*Sob*

No no, go. Go. I'll be fine. Really.

Don't put it anywhere near your mouth.

2009-03-30T10:13:00.002+02:00

I just did a translation for a company who wanted the list of ingredients for their tortillas in English. Would you eat this:

flour; water; oil: glycerol; salt; malt; sodium bicarbonate; starch; gluten; emulsifiers: lecithin (E332), sodium stearoyl-2-lactylate (E481), mono and diglycerides (E471); thickening agent: guar gum (E412), Locust bean gum (E410), maltodextrine; wheat fibres; acidity regulator: glucono-delta-lactone (E575); bean flour; pea protein; fructose; preservative: potassium sorbate (E202), calcium propionate (E282); leavening agents E500 and E341; enzymes.

God, how - HOW IN THE NAME OF THOR did this get to be on our shelves and considered food? Seriously? HOW?

*Sigh* As my grandfather always said "The whole world is mad 'cept for me and thee. And sometimes I wonder about thee."

This caught my attention today - look at that man. He's old, suffered from years of radiation poisoning but his skin is still soft-looking despite his terrible burns, and his eyes are still, as far as I can see, dark and clear apart from one spot under his left iris. He doesn't seem to have that ring of milky cholesterol around his iris that bleaches out the colour. I bet you that although he's been eating rice which is a Paleo no-no, his no-crap diet has otherwise left him spritely and healthy and with excellent vision - even though one of the bombs left him temporarily blind!

So think about it. Spritely old age against environmental odds or sodium stearoyl-2-lactylate and an increased chance of general malaise and an early death?

Moving along.....

Victory!

People, even my crappy, piece-of-crap scales weighed me in this morning at under 100 kilo. I now weigh 99.7 kilo and I'm on my way down, baby!

There is one caveat, I guess. I am a day away from menses, and I always lose (water) weight beforehand, so perhaps in the next day or two I might bounce back up over 100 as I re-hydrate, but now I know it can be done and it's only a matter of days before I'm back there again for real.

I can't wait to rock NY in a size smaller T-shirt, y'all.

Did you know that cats cannot taste sweet?

2009-03-28T09:29:00.003+01:00

*SCREAM*

I have a pair of really crappy scales, that tell me I weigh anything from one to four kilo heavier than I actually am and even they this morning told me I weighed 100.1 kilo.

YES!

I have a chance of getting below 100 kilo this week! I may even be there already!

*dance*

All it took was a very small adjustment.

I've been eating Paleo all year of course, but with the odd slip into Sugarville. Despite this fact I hadn't gained any weight but I hadn't lost any either. I was eating all the time and I was eating to absolute satisfaction point at every meal. My satisfaction point is when my stomach is just a little too full, but without being stuffed. I felt wonderful, fed, bursting with energy and nutrition BUT I wasn't losing any weight and I'm a short arse who's carrying around exactly twice what she should.

This past week I took a hard look at myself and said "Beastie Girl, when are you going to get serious? You've made the lifestyle change and you're healthy and feeling sane for the first time in more than 10 years. But you're still fat and this needs to change if you want to stay healthy so now you have to WORK it and make it work for you".

As Dr Dan said, there's no magic pill and ultimately calories count. Taking this on board I'm keeping calories around my BMR level or 1,700 calories and fasting every three to four days. This week I've managed to drop 2 kilo and as I mentioned could actually drop below 100 kgs next week for the first time in over 2 years. Nice. The truly ossim thing? Even though I've dropped my calories and I only eat until I can't feel my stomach, I STILL feel wonderful, full of energy and fed.

It feels pretty good.

The stevia I ordered arrived yesterday and I'm still figuring out how much I need to use. I've read online that it's three hundred times sweeter than sugar, but the extract I have is nowhere near that sweet. Plus it has the artificial flavour of a chemical sweetner - I don't think it's going to be able to replace sugar and honey in my tea and coffee, but I thinkit will mean I can use less thereof. This morning I used a quarter of a teaspoon of stevia and five grams of sugar, whereas I would normally use eight. That's a saving of three carbs right there.

Once I figure out the ratios that taste the best with each flavour of coffee (I have Vienna, which is chocolate and vanilla flavoured, although it doesn't taste as nice as it sounds, and Hazlenut which is rather self-explanatory) I think I will be able to reduce that amount further. I consume about fifteen grams of carbs in coffee sweetners every day, so reducing that by half is a big step. I'll be able to eat 7-8 grams of vegetable carbs, which are a superior source of nutrition.

Speaking of vegetable carbs I need to get up off my chuff, shower and get down to the market. Trouble is it's raining cats and dogs outside (where else, Beastie? Indoors? Heaven forfend!) and I don't feel like getting cold and wet. *sigh* The things we do for our health eh?

Ah well, time to leave the comfort of my cave and forage.

Tell me in the comments how your day went, or if you're North American tell me about a natural sweetner I could investigate and buy when I'm in New York in June.

2009-03-26T21:06:00.003+01:00

Bad cavewoman. BAD!

I haven't been around, I know that. I'm sorry. There are no excuses other than the fact that GOD DAMMIT I'm tired and fell of the wagon once and getting on the wagon is harder every time you fall of the thing and whiiiiine and no one loves me.

SO! Now that's over - I've decided I need to update this thing more often, even if it's just for me.
All those other low-carb/paleo blogs are great, but they're mostly written by men and they're scientists and they love the minutiae and dissecting things and being all MALE. I've decided this is girly space. Sure - I am a totally kick-arse alpha female, but I want a softer space, less details, more feelings.

Having said that, if I start babbling about emotions, feelings and other new age crap like a sodding GIRL I would like you to shoot me please. There's a world of difference between girly and female. I'm the latter. Getting in touch with inner stuff - I don't trust it.

So - who's craving sugar?

Yes, that's right! ME!

I just cannot seem to crack that ketosis good and get below 60-70 grams of carbohydrates because I can't stand to drink coffee without 2 teaspoons of sugar, I freaking love fruit and the boyfriends chocolate talks to me and whispers dirty things in my ear and makes me lust.

Today I found a Dutch supplier of Stevia and ordered a bottle to get rid of the sugar from my coffee...now I just have to hang on til summer for the sweet, sweet fruit influx. Every Saturday Amersfoort holds a market in the main square - at the height of summer they often sell rock melon for just €1. I buy two. As for the chocolate..... GAH I dont' KNOW!

I have to keep reminding myself this is a process, I don't have to be perfect.

I have a goal though - I'd like to drop some weight for ...

MY TRIP TO NYC, BAYBEE!

Yes!

Erik-the-Red decided he wanted to celebrate his birthday at a famous chef's new restaurant on Manhattan, so we've booked the tickets, we've booked the hotel. It's all go. We'll be taking the Big Apple by storm from June 13 - 19. I'm SO looking forward to NY in the summer. When I worked there for four months it was over winter and the temperatures during January were so cold for so long, windows around the city were breaking! NY in a t-shirt is going to be sodding terrific! I'm trying to lose 5-8 kilo from now to then so I look terrific too.

Got any tips for me, New York wise?

OK - one last thing. Welcome Paleo Girl to the tribeswomen elders. Check out her blog here and in my side bar.

2009-03-16T21:13:00.003+01:00

Oo - quickly before I forget.

Welcome Judith B to the Female Fold. Check out her blog here.

Look in my sidebar for other awesome tribeswomen bloggers - I mean - SURE - they're mostly Kiwi chicks like me, but when you've got a good thing going, and there ain't nothing better than a Real Zeal girl, you may as well run with it, right?

Yawn.

2009-03-16T20:56:00.002+01:00

Before you go sending out any search parties, I'M HERE! I'm HERE! I haven't gone anywhere.

Life this past week took a turn for the busy, and this blog takes a lower priority when that happens. Things have evened out a little now, so GO GO PALEO WARRIORESS!

So - what's been happening with me? I've been sticking to the Paleo diet, with the odd cheat here and there - a square of chocolate, a meal with the mother-in-law that kind of thing, but I'm still gradually losing weight very slowly and pretty much eating well. Dinner tonight was shish kebabs made from onions, red peppers and cubes of beef. I ate them with gobs of butter for lubrication, beef can be a little dry.

You know what I've noticed? I'm visiting the supermarket more often and every time I go I stick to just one tiny part. I walk in, head straight down aisle one to the fruit and veg, walk another metre to the meat cases, walk down aisle two for my eggs, tomato paste and coconut milk, toilet paper, and cleaning products, and I'm done. Once a month we venture deeper into the joint for coffee and wine, but apart from that an average visit means walking around less than quarter of the entire store. Shopping for the week is done in record time and Lordy don't that feel good!

If you're looking for an interesting read, check out the book Lights Out, Sleep, Sugar and Survival by T.S Wiley. Its about how just how far humans are from their natural environments and their natural patterns. It's truely shocking some of the things she addresses, so I decided one evening to pack myself off to bed at 9pm, to see how it made me feel.

Ha, it was a BIG MISTAKE!

Do you know why?

NOT because it made me feel sick - no. It made me feel great, but for the life of me, I cannot stay up and functioning beyond 9:30 - 1opm any more. I just can't do it. One super-early night has done me in. I used to be a nightowl. As a student I did my best studying from 11pm - 2 am. In my late twenties I was often up as late as 1, bright eyed and busy tailed. I'm 31 now, it's eight minutes past nine and if I don't haul my arse up off this couch I think I might just die on the spot, so HELLO AGAIN all and goodnight!

Say it with me now...

2009-03-08T10:22:00.004+01:00

...... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Don't listen to experts, they have NO IDEA what they are talking about. Listen to your body, it is wise.

ETA: Did you notice how he conflates low carb diets (diet as in way of eating) with low calorie diets (restriction)?? Bitch, please. I'm losing weight on my low carb diet and I'm getting at least 2,000 calories a day. It's a shame really as he promotes loving your body, a sentiment with which I wholeheartedly agree.

2009-03-08T09:27:00.003+01:00

Good morning, everyone!

Days like this make me feel good. It's grey, it's cold, it's pouring with rain and the church bells are going like the clappers to call the faithful to worship.

Why on earth would foul weather make me feel good? I'm not sure but I think it has something to do with the fact that it's not just endlessly grey and unchanging right now - the weather is doing something active and in the Netherlands, where the cloud cover can last from November to April and just hang there, static and opressive, active weather conditions feel good.

Plus I love the European-ness of the church bells on a Sunday. While walking in town yesterday to get to the market I also heard the tolling of funeral bells. I felt like breaking out into tears. The funeral bell is both a reminder that we all are mortal and so are the ones we love. It gave me goosebumps and it still does.

The reason I mention this is because on the Paleo diet, I have noticed that I am the master of my emotions, my emotions are not the master of me.

I feel more upbeat and stable, but the flipside of this is that the negative, painful emotions are deeper and more real. This is a good thing, despite what the pharmeceutical companies tell you. They would like to medicate your sadness, your pain and your blues away, so you never have the chance to use that time to take stock of your life and turn it around. God forbid that you should decide that your life as a consumer is making you unhappy and you decide to stop spending, we all have the duty to get out there and get into debt to help stimulate the economy dammit.

Ha! See how well I can now tap into my frustrations! This is wonderful! I now have a wide ranging gamut of emotions and each one is distinct and defined. All of my emotions now have names.

Why is this such a big deal to me?

When I wasn't following the Paleo diet, when I was dieting, eating a starchy, vegetarian diet, I wasn't emotional, I was merely "emo". In constant existential angst, no words, just indistinct, childish desperation ALL. THE. TIME. Now my emotions are distinct and have names, I can decide if I want to feel them or not.

Example.

Yesterday I sat down to a lunch of half a head of broccoli and a piece of pork shoulder cooked in butter. I then smothered that in coconut oil and a shake or two of salt and it was the fattiest, tastiest meal I have had in ages. A snack later on that afternoon was two large handfuls of macadamia nuts. Later on that afternoon however, two scoops of ice cream and apple sauce sweetened with brown sugar somehow found their way into my mouth and I felt bad about the whole thing.

Until my newly found sense of self kicked in and instead of the usual beating myself up, I said

"Beastie Girl, it is OK. You are dealing here with over 15 years of binge behaviour - just because you've been eating a Paleo diet for 3 months doesn't mean you've got this binge thing licked. Ice cream and apple sauce is NOTHING compared to what you used to eat. Your behaviours aren't going to stop overnight, they took 15 years to come to a head, it might take that long before you stop considering the occasional overeat a binge. You are OK, just stop now, pick yourself back up and keep on keeping on. There's a good girl."

And that, people is the first time I have been kind to myself. That's the first time I was gentle and understanding. I think the nutrition afforded from the Paleo way has turned me from a whinging teenager into an understanding adult.

That feels good.

2009-03-05T20:42:00.002+01:00

Son of Grok just left me an interesting comment that my gastric gymnastics this afternoon may not have been the potato but the frankenoil they probably cooked it in, then I remembered this link I had in my "interesting" list.

Holy hell.

I have more of a chance of being murderised because of processed vegetable oil? The correlation is at least better than that of the Ancel Keys, study - amirite?

Oh yeah, and this while I'm in the interesting list.

These are my eyes:

So does that make me Paleolithic-er than thou??

Splink.

2009-03-05T15:51:00.002+01:00

*blingk, gloing, sploooooong*

Yes, I hear you.

*Brrrr, gloink!*

Ow, don't do that!

*eeeerrrwwwwwwwwwww bloop*

Jeez, cut me a break or am I going to have to come in there and hand out a whoopin'?

*cramp, cramp, cramp, cramp*

ARGH! Alright! I GET IT! I GET IT! Please stomach, I get it!

This is what this afternoon has been like. I've spent the better half of this afternoon fleeing to the bathroom and back, only to return within three minutes.

For lunch I went to the snack bar and ordered a burger with fried onions, a fried egg and mushrooms, it came with tomato, lettuce, mayo, ketchup and cucumber and a portion of fries. I threw away the bun and ate the burger innnards and placed about 75 grams of fries on my plate which is about a quarter of a portion and gave the rest away to colleagues.

Seriously, what I ate was two half-handfuls of potato fries, NOTHING compared to what I would normally eat - and OUCH! My innards cannot handle potato anymore. I never would have bleeding thought that the humble potato would cause me any gastric distress. I used to eat crap loads of mashed potatoes, whole potatoes, fries and potato-based snack goods and never felt immediate ill effects.

I'm currently so ambivalent - while I love that my body has purged itself of poisons and now rejects things it shouldn't have to process, I feel broken because I can't process the things I once could.

Huh.

Nutrition Disaster.

2009-03-05T10:54:00.002+01:00

Ach, come on it's not as bad as the title suggests.

Yesterday was a hungry day - I needed large amounts of food to feel full, which makes sense in the light of how lightly I've been eating the past couple of days. The only trouble is, as it's grocery day today, we had NOTHING extra in the fridge. I made a dinner of pork shoulder and roasted red peppers but I was still hungry and the only thing we had left was some coconut cream (snarfed with a little Milo), some cashew butter (one tablespoons worth licked off said spoon) and some ice-cream I had bought to bribe Erik the Red (had quarter of the tub, about three scoops worth).

It pretty much killed my hunger, but as is the way with sugary foods I was hungry an hour later and rather than go through my empty cupboards one more time, I packed myself off to bed. (It was only 9:40!)

I don't regret this one, because I ate to cure a real hunger - but it has taught me one heck of a lesson. Now that I'm eating this way I HAVE to make sure I have enough meat in the house to last just over one week or I am not going to meet my energy needs. I keep forgetting that I am eating in a way where most of my energy comes from meat and animal fat so that's the stuff I need to have around. I also keep forgetting that my body is heavy and therefore needs fuel to carry the thing around. I have been brainwashed by the mainstream that because I'm fat I need to keep calories low, low low and yet the reality is I should be eating a lot of high-quality food.

Especially now that I have the energy to bound up two flights of stairs at the train station, and often do. Especially now that I'm walking faster because my knees don't hurt. Especially now that where I used to get Erik the Red to drive me I walk or cycle. Especially now that I have a taste for how good it feels to eat well and move my body.

Feed me, Seymour.

Unfortunately due to the lack of left overs, I had no breakfast. When a wave of nausea overtook me at work I decided I had to eat something yet the only thing available to me was some ontbijtkoek and coffee. I ate that and felt a little better, but I don't have any lunch to bring into work either, so I'm going to have to buy something at the snack bar down the road. I'm thinking they might have some chicken and perhaps if I'm really lucky a salad, but I'm guessing the best thing available to me might be a burger. If so, that's OK. I'll eat it, I'll suck it up and go about my day and then tonight, which is grocery night, I'm gonna load that trolley up with pork, beef, mince and chicken - enough to last eight or nine days, because DAYUM I'm hungry and I want sustenance.

I hate this feeling of having to play stop-gap with neolithic foods, but I guess I had to play it once to learn my lesson.

Girlfriend gotta stock up!

2009-03-03T12:59:00.002+01:00

I understand that some of you are having trouble with the word verification system on the comments, so I've turned the stupid thing off and you are all FREE to comment and share the lurve.

Peace.

Sugar. Easy energy! CARBS! dies

2009-03-03T10:29:00.003+01:00

Right now I think I could quite happily commit some random act of violence in exchange for a good, hot, square meal of fatty meat, potatoes, vegetables and a dessert of some sticky pudding with lashings of custard.

Seriously.

Anyone you need assassinating? The price will be one jar of honey, a bushel of apples, some cream and several bars of dairy milk chocolate. Cheap!

Well, Ok. I'll settle for some french fries and a snacky cake.

No?

A wrap of fish and chips?

COME ON I'M DYING HEAH!

I've decided to cut out all fruit and sugar to get back to a truer version of the primal diet and to reset my fat little body and something is happening that I never really thought would happen. I'm jonesing for the sugar! Oh LORDY the sweet, sweet taste and easily available energy of the simple carb, how I miss thy delicate sweetness and energy-giving properties.

I never thought I would jones because I *thought* my diet was pretty clean. I had always stayed under 75 grams of carbohydrates a day, and I usually had just two pieces of fruit a day, and just the one teaspoon of white sugar in my coffee so the amount of sugars I consumed was pretty minimal. Now that it's down to perhaps half a teaspoon of honey to take the bitter edge off my coffee, I'm experiencing raging hunger, the inability to sit still and in my mind I'm walking the streets of Utrecht, the city where I work, to find a place that will sell me some hunk of meat, dripping with fat and a pile of salty broccoli.

Seriously.

Broccoli.

So there you have it! My body was addicted to the sugar in the fruit I was eating. I had NO idea. When I thought I had adjusted my body as far as it would go, I was dead wrong. I still had a ways to go.

This morning I was listening to a podcast from Livin' La Vida Low Carb, where Jimmy Moore interviewed a brain specialist. Commenting on a low-carb diet study that only lasted one week, he mentioned that it can take the brain four weeks to four months to adjust to a new dietary regime. When I moved over to the paleo diet and therefore cut my carbohydrates down to less than a quarter, I had no carb-flu, I suffered from not one energy-slump and I felt better straight away because obviously I must have just been eating enough carbohydrates to keep the sugar cravings under control, while not enough to feed back into the terrible sickness feedback loop.

Now that I've taken away even naturally occuring sugars, my body is pitching a mini-fit. I feel fine in myself and I'm concentrating well, multi-tasking well (I'm also translating a piece for the University of Amsterdam as I write this post) and I have plenty of energy. Last night while sitting on the train back home I felt the overwhelming desire to run, so I walked home as fast as I could. I feel like getting outside and run-walking right now actually, the only difference I feel is where the energy is coming from. It used to be that the energy felt like it was right there, right under my skin to use. I felt like I was using something first before I used my muscles to propel myself. Now I feel as if I have to first pull that energy out of my muscles. I have the same amount of energy to use, but that energy is coming from deeper within me. It's not just THERE like it used to be, it needs a little coaxing.

I'm pretty sure that in a week or four my body will have adjusted and it will be used to burning this more deeply-stored energy and I'll feel just as explosive as I used to.

But for now I'll just dream happily of apples, raisins, cream and butter.

AAAaaaw yeah.

PALEO CHALLENGE DAY... Uh... LOOK! ELVIS!!

2009-03-01T21:40:00.003+01:00

So.

Paleo challenge - not so gud akshully.

Ha HAAA! I LURVE me some Lolcats!

Well, the Paleo challenge thing went FINE until Friday night when I met the 2BDutch people for dinner. We met at La Cazuela Spanish restaurant in Rotterdam. I had chorizo sausage and olives dripping in olive oil and garlic. I had salad with roasted pine nuts and chicken so soft it fell apart in my mouth, not when I chewed, but merely pressed it to the roof of my mouth with my tongue. I had sardines, mussels, dates and artichokes... all yummy, satisfying, GOOD paleo fare...until dessert.

The merest memory of that chocolate mousse leaves me quivering and breathless. It. Was. The. Best. Chocolate. Mousse. I. Have. Ever. Eaten. In. My. Entire. Life. I would cheerfully kill for more. The portion was tiny. You know those ice-cream scoops they use to scoop ice cream? It would have filled that up to half way, but it was so rich and gorgeous I would walk over my own mother for more. It was WORTH! IT!

*happy sigh*

Then I had a spoon of preserved cherries, a small portion of strawberry mousse and a spoonful of Haagse Bluf - egg whites beaten with berry juice.

I rounded out the evening with a cup of lychee tea. I felt SO good after that meal. There is something magical about small amounts of high-taste, excellent quality food that puts me on a high. Then I spent the rest of the evening blabbering to those involved with 2BDutch and being complimented on my Dutch, which is always welcome.

It was actually Sunday that wasn't so gud akshully. I was tired, pre-menstrual and RArhgh PRIMAL RAGE and then MOOD SWING you don't LUFF me anymore and I have to spend the *sniff, hiccup* day with my MOTHER in LAW?? WAaah haha haah! *snerk, ugly cry*.

Yeah.

*AHem*

It wasn't pretty.

It was the flatwarming of Erik-the-Red's little brother and his girlfriend. They'd moved in together and invited us over for the afternoon. Lunch on offer was terrible Turkish bread with hummus and garlic soft cheese, crackers, peanuts, pate, chips and chocolate covered hazlenuts. Not ONE thing was paleo. I had two pieces of bread with cheese, a handful of chips, two crackers with pate and two handfuls of chips and I felt like ARSE the rest of the day.

This morning, the morning after so to speak, I craved fatty meat, so I cooked up some mince and tomato paste, lunch was about 150g of pork and spinach cooked in garlic and coconut oil and dinner was stew cooked in cinnamon, wine, cabbage and onions.

Ok - this is something that perhaps the men might not want to know, but it's all connected to a human's natural cycle so nut up, right?

Right.

Today I got my period and normally it feels as if red hot tendrils are scraping my uterus out of my body all DAY, today it took until late afternoon for the usual cramps to set in. I've managed to kill them with just one pain pill whereas I'll normally take two.... aaaaaand... since starting the Paleo diet, my cycle has evened out to 31 days for the past three months, whereas before it would be anywhere between 28 and 37 at complete and utter random.

So - anyhoo.

The paleo challenge pretty much died a natural death, but Marc from Feel Good Eating told me that I need to cut out the honey and fruit for two weeks if I want to reset my body and get back into the weight loss way of things and by Jove the MAy-un. Is Right-a!

You'll notice today...no fruit.

I've decided that the next two weeks I'm cutting out all sugar, honey and fruit and I'll let you know how that works out for my weight loss efforts.

True Paleo Challenge DAY THREE

2009-02-27T09:57:00.005+01:00

Those who know me might know I'm given to lightening fast, John Cleese style, raging fits of pique. I'm generally a very calm and jovial person until one thing gets so far up my nose I lose my shit. I squeeze my eyes shut, I clamp my teeth together and ball my fists. Tears sting my eyes because of the terrible, futile rage I feel.

Do you want to know what recently incurred my terrible wrath?

My bathroom scales.

GOD SERIOUSLY !

In the space of a few minutes it told me I weighed 98 kilo, 102 kilo and 104.4 kilo. As a result, I really have no idea how much I weigh. The positive side is that the angst I felt about gaining weight is probably based on nothing at all but the whims of a small domestic appliance, so I've decided to let that noise dissapate. I'm considering splashing €50-60 on a good, reliable, whizz-bang scale so I can keep an accurate tab on my paleo weight loss efforts but for now I'm refraining from weighing myself or I swear I'll throw the damn thing out a window and I don't think my insurance covers fits of pique.

Anyhoo! Paleo challenge day THREE!

It all went very well, and despite this excellent warning that Ruth left me in the comments. Check out the blog that links back to, it's well written and made me laugh. The crux of the message is she tried huge amounts of cinnamon and puked. Now I believe ingesting huge amounts of anything is irresponsible so I started very small - a third of a teaspoon of cinnamon with a teaspoon of honey in a huge glass of warm water. The resulting drink was BEAUTIFUL! It's even feels decadent enough to function as a dessert, which last night...it did. It took away the final lingering vestiges of hunger, for which I am grateful!

Marc from Feel Good Eating also left me a comment, saying I should probably leave the fruit and honey alone for a bit - 14 days to be more precise to allow my body to reset. I think he might be right. I left him a rambly response saying pretty much "I don't wanna so I'm going to tell you that I'll think about it" which I realise is a pretty shitty way to handle excellent advice, so I'm going to say now - loud and proud - you're right. I'm going to cut them out after I've done this one week paleo challenge and I will cut them out for a fortnight as you suggest. Wish me luck!

One other little rambly sidenote, because I'm GOOD at them. I used to have four followers on this blog where as I now have only three. I think this is because I use foul language and I upset someone's sensibilities. I'm sorry if I did but I enjoy swearing, I do think it's big and clever and FUCKNUTS! That's why! Side note over - back to Day Three.

I started the day with parma ham and melon, had left over sauerkraut and a chicken leg for lunch and because we had a million things to get done in the ONE evening in Amersfoort where the shops are open later than 18:00 we ate kind of late. This meant an easy dinner of two organic pork sausages and sauerkraut with apples and raisins thrown in. It was forkin' tasty, I tell you. I also drank my way through a litre of water with two tablespoons of apple cider vinegar in it. It's not too bad, but I think it will take a little getting used to. I think I'll like it better in sparkling water.

This morning my crappy scales told me I weighed in half a kilo lighter, but I don't trust a single thing those little buggers tell me. *grrrrrRRrrr!*

Tonight is going to be a bit of a challenge - every year a company I do free translations for called 2BDutch holds a dinner for all the people involved. Go and check the site out, they're pretty cool. This evening is that dinner - we're going to a Spanish restaurant in Rotterdam. I'm hoping we'll be served tapas, so I can just pick the vegetable and meat ones I want. I'm not going to get too hung up about what spices and oils are not paleo, or else I wouldn't eat at all - I'm just going to avoid the rice, potatoes and cheese that are common in Spanish cooking. I still have no idea what my strategy will be for dessert - they might have a fruit salad I can get my teeth into - here's hoping!

Tomorrow I have a housewarming party to go to, where I know they'll be serving soup and bread for lunch. GOD I hope the soup will be a paleo-friendly flavour and not the typical Dutch winter thing of "Snert" or Dutch pea soup.

*crosses fingers* Till tomorrow, y'all. Or, in New Zealand dialect - 'See youse fullas tomorrow'.

TRUE PALEO CHALLENGE DAY 2

2009-02-25T19:49:00.002+01:00

So, recently a commenter called Andrea pointed out that perhaps I'm insulin resistant and that's the reason I'm not losing weight.

Iiiiiiiinteresting.

That's actually a fascinating idea.

Although I don't think I'm prediabetic or sick in any way, I do think that the years of dieting, binge eating and vegetarianism jiggered my system up good and it might need more than a Paleo diet to sort it out permanently. I spent a good portion of this afternoon, while at work (shhhh!) looking up natural remedies to a body's general reluctance to access adipose tissue.

It appears that cinnamon, raw honey and apple cider vinegar are good, natural and safe solutions.

Cinnamon works by mimicking insulin, so the body doesn't need to produce as much to get the job done. I have learned however that Americans in particular need to watch the type of cinnamon they take. America aparantly uses the cassia version of this special tree bark, and this cassia variety has a toxin in it so you're better to use cinnamon sticks.

Raw honey has enzymes in it that are beneficial, but make sure you're getting a non-pasturised version.

According to most websites I've read, there isn't anything that apple cider vinegar CANNOT do! Arthritis GONE! Sore knees GONE! Stuffy nose GONE! Extra weight GONE!

Ach, it's worth a try, right?

I will let you know how it all pans out in a week or two.

SO.

The Paleo challenge...I made it through another day.

I skipped breakfast because I wasn't hungry but drank my meth-coffee black, which was...GROSS but I'm sure I'll get used to it. I bought good quality espresso stuff.

I had leftovers for lunch - the stew made of beef, veg and red wine.

This evening I had three chicken drumsticks with sauerkraut made with coconut oil and a few raisins thrown in.

Another thing to report in on a week or two.

Oh yeah, remember - if you are or know a lady paleo blogger, let me know about her and I'll link her on my page.

DAY ONE

2009-02-24T20:42:00.003+01:00

Today was the end of my Paleo challenge Day One!

I realised to my disgruntlement that coffee is not paleolithic, so I've decided to look the other way when it comes to my fix.

APART from the coffee it went swimmingly. Just ignore the coffee. Yus, ignore it. Don't step between this bitch and her coffee I'M WARNING YOU! *meth twitch, brandishes knife*

ANYhoo...I didn't eat breakfast because I was fasting. I felt the last death throes of my sugar binge and I was cold but apart from that, I was fine. I broke my fast with a lunch of fifty grams of lettuce, some parma ham, walnut oil, pine nuts and squash. 'Dessert' was a teaspoon of honey and an apple.

That afternoon I was KEE-raving fatty beef. Craving. Craving, craving, craving. Craving.

Dinner tonight was a stew made of coconut oil, spices, beef, red wine, onions and leeks and later I gave into the craving and ate half a cup of mince (ground beef to the yanks...) with tomato paste and coconut milk.

Awwwwwww yEAh, it's business time.

That saturated animal fat felt SO GOOD going down and I'm finally full.

Speaking of animal products, eggs have come full circle and are good for you now.

Who freakin' knew? US THAT'S WHO!

Kunnen jullie het aan?

2009-02-23T21:25:00.003+01:00

First of all I would like to thank the ladies that left a comment promoting their blogs. If you look to the right I've created a list called "The Tribeswomen Speak". It's a list of the female voices in the Paleo/low carb community. Should you seek a feminine perspective, you know where to look - after all, every hunter needs a gatherer.

What have I been gathering recently?

Weight.

I'm still paying for my little two day sugar binge. I've had a dicky stomach all day, some pretty stellar mood swings. Stellar. Mood. Swings. I got pissed at Erik the Red for smiling wrong. For SMILING wrong. *sigh* And then there's been the weight gain. I can't tell how much it has been as my scales SUCK but I've stalled it at best.

This is all OK, but even the past two days of eating Paleo haven't been enough to make me feel any better.

My solution? I've decided to fast this one out - I'm pulling a 24 hour fast that will break tomorrow at lunch. I've also decided to start my own personal Paleo challenge. For seven days not one non-Paleo food will cross my lips. After that perhaps I'll relax a little and allow a little butter but I'll decide at the time.

Who's with me?

7 Day Challenge!

Woo!

Paleo all-female chorus.

2009-02-21T21:34:00.003+01:00

Sing it, sister.

One thing I realised this evening, as I sit here on my couch, surrounded by a cup of peppermint tea, a duvet and a purring kitty who fought valiently for and won more than half the space of said duvet, that there are very few female voices in the world of primal blogging.

Seriously - who is there? As far as I can think Cooking in our Cave is the only one.

Paleo sistren (female version of brethren), the primal woman has a valuable and important role to play in both real and virtual communities. If you have paleo blog thoughts bubbling through your mind just crying out for expression, start it and advertise it here in the comments. I'm going to start a list to the right under the blogs I recommend of women paleo/primal/low-carb bloggers. Go nuts ladies, then eat them!

So.

What's up with me after my little neolithic breakdown?

It took me two days, but I got back on track after my little sugar incident.

Today all I've been hungry for is meat and fat. I had steak and eggs for breakfast, about two ounces of macadamia nuts , an orange and about a teaspoon of almond paste and later a small amount of steak with a large amount of butter for a snack and about one hundred grams of salmon for dinner. Right now I'm actually desirous of more steak with garlic butter, but it's sort of more a peckish feeling than true hunger, so I'll leave all that for tomorrow.

This leads me to something I found a little while ago. I cannot remember where I found it, the only thing I remember is feeling is compassion for the poster.

Now that I'm old (I'll be 76 in May) and fat (don't ask) and healthy, I still want to achieve a good weight for my medium-frame body (probably somewhere around 135-140) but nothing happens anymore. I believe my problem is quantity not quality.
Once I eat meat and fat, I can't seem to stop and it scares me.

Oh, that poor sod.

Of course he can't stop eating once he gets going on the good stuff. His body is hungry! Once it gets a taste of the things it's been needing, it overstimulates his appetite and tries to get him to eat while he can.

I read on this blog called Zeroing in on Health that those who want to rehabilitate themselves from a low-fat diet not only should, but must overeat on meat and fat. Although I don't agree with his all meat diet, I do agree it's perfect for those strung out on conventional nutrition. Swinging to the other extreme will load the body up on the fat soluble vitamins it has been missing and encourage the body down a middle way. I posit that this man is responding appropriately to the starvation he was going through - probably inflicted on him by misguided doctors, nutritionists and other health care professionals.

Do not fear the fat.

Fat is king.

2009-02-20T13:15:00.000+01:00

Ugh, I’ve been so frustrated.

Despite my progress in so many areas I am not making progress with my weight.

I scream and rail against the Gods! I beat my breast at the outrageous unfairness! I rim my eyes in kohl and hole myself up in my room and listen to Morrissey and My Chemical Romance!

I eat between 1,500 and 1,800 calories a day, between 50-70 grams of carbohydrates a day, and although I initially lost 4 kilo, another kilo has crept on and I’m staying stable at 3 kilo lost after 6 weeks of practice and only one non-Palaeolithic meal in that time.

(Still with me after that run on sentence?)

Erik the Red, however, while still eating three to four slices of bread, cheese and milk at lunch five times a week is slowly shedding about a kilo every ten days.

I am one pissed off palaeolite.

I am resentful.

Despite my body improving on every other score, I’m seriously starting doubt I will ever get down to a slim and healthy weight and I don’t want this fat body any more!

ANGST!

TERRIBLE, WHINY, PETULANT EMO WELTSCHMERZ!

WHINGING, MEWLING, SNIVELLING ANGST!

BAH!

*sigh*

So, yesterday I decided to hell with it.

Erik the Red cooked us a dinner of spaghetti Bolognese. Dessert was a Dutch pastry called a ‘tompous’ and some chocolate ice cream. I had my fill of pasta with parmesan cheese, ate the custardy pastry and over the course of the evening ate nearly a litre of ice-cream while watching episodes of 30 Rock, House and Father Ted.

The thing that struck me the most during this ‘feast’ is that I enjoyed very little of it. The pasta was quite tasteless, although the Palaeolithic sauce was quite good. The first lick of crème from the pastry was lovely, but three bites in I had lost the lust. After the first lick of ice cream I had lost interest, but I plugged on anyway - Momma di’n’t raise no quitter.

That which follows are the consequences and results of that evening’s adventure.

First of all, I experienced that overfull feeling for the first time in weeks, nay months. I haven’t had that bloated sensation since November of last year, when I first decided to start emulating the caveman nor I have I binged in this way since then either.

I have completely lost that desire.

Forcing myself to eat the way I used to do every day of the week made me realise the harm I was doing because it felt alien. I used to need to eat that way – now I do not.

Secondly I discovered that I really just don’t like sugar. Even as I was polishing my dessert I was thinking to myself that I really would have preferred a plate of salmon and spinach. Some crudités. An apple. Anything other than the awful glop I was eating. I was NOT enjoying it. That was an important lesson and I’m glad I not only ate but overate on sugar because I learned I don’t really even find it palatable in the LEAST. Shocker!

Thirdly, after eating like a madwoman I felt a slight twinge of the old desperation and anxiety I used to constantly feel, and my heart was racing. This concreted the idea that it was my diet jiggering my mental health, not my hormones.

So – there you have it. A complete derailment that was actually worth its while!

Today I’m right back on the Palaeolithic diet, not for the weight loss, which I’m sure will come later, but because I like the food and it makes me feel good.

Those are damn good reasons.

Evolutionary throwback.

2009-02-17T11:59:00.000+01:00

One goal down.

2009-02-16T16:01:00.001+01:00

YES!

This morning I weighed in at under 225 pounds.

Next goal - to get in under 100 kilo, which is 900 grams away.

*dance*