This afternoon I was working on a translation that I thought would take me all weekend, but I got it finished this afternoon.

Oh, the JOY!

My filthy mood just evaporated off my shoulders and I felt, and still feel, a million miles better. I've slept off a bit of the exhausted feeling and I think I'm off the caffeine. Strangely enough I never had the searing headaches I normally get if I don't drink coffee. I guess my body was just ready to slip off that particular addiction.

Anyhoo, I've been thinking about what being fat means to me, and why, if for any reason, I want to lose weight.

If you're a fatty like me, have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror or a photo and thought 'My God, why are people NICE to me?' because you're obviously flawed? Or is that just me?

Most of the time I don't worry about it much, but every now and again I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a window or other reflective surface and feel pure disgust at my lumpy shape and I wonder why people aren't curling their upper lip in a sneer when they have to deal with me. I often wonder, in fact sense deeply in my very being, that people would treat me better and make friends more easily with me if I had a more streamline shape.

Right now I'm over 30 and fat. This means I am every kind of invisible. People assume I'm lower-class with no money (and this rips my nighty eighty ways from Sunday. I don't want to be seen as working class. Yes. I am a snob) and so don't try to sell me things. Men my age that are single wouldn't dream of flirting with me. I seriously have not had someone flirt with me in five years. People either stare at me on the street or do their best to not look at me, their gaze sliding off me in case catching teh fatz is communicable. Everywhere I turn I get the message that I am not worthy. My partner has even (finally) admitted that my weight is a limiting factor in our relationship. I'm so invisible, my partner doesn't see me, so to speak.

Wow.

I think my desire to lose weight has always been about being NOTICED. I've always wanted to lose weight to be able to wear beautiful, colourful, form-fitting clothes. Because people in beautiful clothes are noticed. I love being the centre of attention. If there's some kind of performance to do, I'm the first to volunteer. I want to be seen. I want to be in people's faces - look at me, look at ME LOOK AT ME!!

I'm a show off from way back. I rock what I have right now, but it's not right. I'm working with sub-standard goods. Sub-standard body and sub-standard clothes, sub-standard attitude.

I also want options.

A fat chick has few when it comes to jobs, when it comes to relationships, when it comes to just about everything that relies on another person's decision. The harsh truth is that as I get older, that's only going to worsen by a factor of a million for every year. If you're a thin woman, you're probably invisible by age...50? 55? As a fat chick, I'm invisible now at 32. I stopped being relevant at about age 25. This sucks for me in the sense that, say me and my partner never work out our issues - I can't be ugly on the single's market. I'm a freelancer who works from home, but imagine I have to rely on an employer in the future. Who'd hire someone invisible?

I don't fit in with my family either. The other fattest person aside from me carries perhaps an extra...8 kilo on them? That's nothing. The rest? Are slim. Christmas photos suck, I'm the widest thing in the room, including the fucking tree.

There are so many negative aspects to being overweight but I've listed the ones that really matter to me. Being fat perhaps had a pay off once, but I can't tell you what it is now. Even though I don't want to be fat and I've changed up my diet, the fat still won't shift. I think it's going to take some serious fasting to shift what I have on my body.

No matter which way I look at it, this journey is going to be a fight from start to finish. I think though, as I lose, people will start to support me as I become visible and 'acceptable'.

What's your take?